Today I woke up, put on a little make up, fed my kiddos breakfast, and got my baby girl ready for speech therapy. I was feeling fragile and knew that my barely there composure was going to be hard to hold on to. Then I talked to her therapist about her schedule and upcoming changes and her hand went to her heart and she opened her mouth to say...I just don't know how...and I don't even know what she said after that. The flood gates opened and she and I got a lot closer today. But that was the beginning of the end. I spent the whole day trying to hide my tears from my kids. Any still second I had, my mind was there...imagining what that day will be like. The baby, my big kids, me, JT. Do we take her to meet her dad with all of her things? Do we say goodbye at home and let her visit supervisor take her? Should I pack all of her things? What if she comes back? This can't really be happening. I think maybe my God who doesn't make mistakes may have actually made one when He picked me to do this. Because I can't. I can't. I. Can't. How can anyone?! I can't "can't" because of my own selfishness...although I can feel my heart being scarred, and it's slow and the most excruciating pain I believe I've ever experienced. I can't because I feel like she can't. She's not going to know that she's not coming home. She's going to leave our house, her house. Or maybe we'll take her and she'll go from my arms to his. And she's going to think she's coming back. Just like she always does. She has no clue her whole world is changing. And by changing I mean CHANGING. Nothing...NOTHING in her new life is going to resemble her life with us. The life she's lived for 26 of her 27 months. Her family is just going to disappear and she won't know why or understand anything. She's going to feel so abandoned. I'm pleading with God to send angels to follow her everywhere. I feel like I'm drowning and my eyes are so swollen you might not recognize me. I don't really want to talk to anyone about it and I need people to joke with me and talk about other things and ask zero questions. I need to figure out how to get myself back into a state of denial, because I've spent a good part of the summer telling myself this isn't happening, and I've survived that way. We have 1 more week as a family of 6. I'm going to ask her dad if she can stay until next Saturday evening, instead of leaving on Friday. JT and the kids have school on Friday and we need that extra day with her. I think he'll say yes. We really need prayer...for our baby girl more than anything. But also for our kids and wisdom on how to comfort them and help them heal, and for me...to get my head above this water constantly crashing down. There is no joy here. I sobbed as I rocked her today, she saw me and looked so confused. She just stared at my crying face and pointed at my tears as they poured out. Then she fell asleep in JT's hat...like she's done the last three nights. I really don't know how to do this. I am not not NOT strong...I'm the very definition of weakness...and I know His power is made perfect in my weakness so I really need Him to rescue all of us. Whatever that looks like. I asked Him a long time ago to break my heart for what breaks His, I know He heard me and I did mean it but my God, this is impossible. And this isn't what I meant by that. If I could go back to June 6th, 2014, and ignore that phone call from DCS, and spare me and my family from this...I wouldn't. I have to keep reminding myself that. I'd do this all over again. We are exactly what she needed for the last 783 days. 783 days. I'm sorry for making you sad with me, no one wants to think about all this. There's enough heartache in the world without having to think about what we're going through over here at the Crook house. But thank you for your prayers. I know we're loved and our community and families are so strong...a huge blessing. I wish I could wrap this up with something spiritual and encouraging and optimistic...but I'm drawing a blank. So, I'll just say thanks, again:)
In His Love,
Samantha
Here you will find the chronicles of the crazy crook crew...enjoy!
I want to live in each season fully, celebrate the chapters as they end, and anticipate the next with only joy! God gets all the glory for the story He's written for our family! A family designed and defined by Him through foster care and adoption. If you've got some time, stay a while...and grab a kleenex;) Each chapter is beautiful and heart wrenching and breathtaking and God is ALWAYS good!
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Monday, June 6, 2016
Falling madly in love...2 years later
Our next court hearing is tomorrow. The day after our 2 year anniversary of being a family that includes a sweet and spicy 4th child. And the anxiety has settled into my chest like it always does. I would love to tell you that I'm foster mom of the year and still cheering for reunification with her father. I'm not. Because...2 years. She turned 2 on April 27th. Her whole life has been with us. I can't separate myself from her. If I could...I would be okay. I would focus on all the blessings and joys in my life. I would focus on my amazing husband and our healthy beautiful children and our whole huge family and our home and community and church and school and friends and rejoice in those things. I would find comfort in my faith and stability in my support system. But I can't. This isn't about us and never really has been. I am fixated mentally and emotionally on her. Living her every day in a life that could be ripped away. She's powerless and she has no clue. NO CLUE. That her people, her routine, her home, her life, her safety and security and every single thing she knows, could disappear. She won't understand. And all of those thoughts make me physically ill. I can't separate myself from her, her well being...mentally, physically, emotionally...I can't wrap my mind around the pain she'll go through. I'm a mom. I've been her mom for 2 years. She's 100% a crooklin. Except she's not. She doesn't belong to us, but we belong to her. And today, I hate foster care and the whole system. I hate that children have to be victims of people who are supposed to treasure them. And I hate that 2 years later, they can be victimized again by a system that says what's best for her actually doesn't matter...what uninvested grown ups want is more important. I would never want anyone one else to get these 2 years with her...these years are ours. I wouldn't go back and ignore that phone call. But my God...my precious almighty God who loves me and loves her and is in control of all this...I can't do this. I don't know how. And I don't think I ever will. I need divine intervention...I need God Himself to tell me that she's going to be okay and loved and safe and happy and healthy and THIS IS RIGHT FOR HER.
I needed to get that off my chest. Sorry. I don't hate foster care...children need foster care. We live in a world where children are sometimes hurt by their parents. And we live in a world where those children need homes with loving families...I'm proud to be one of those families. I have no clue what will happen at this hearing tomorrow...but I do know my heart is preparing to lose her. Hearings never bring warm fuzzy emotions...this one just feels different due to details I can't really share with you. I've been feeling so helpless and scared and desperate...and trying to control it by reaching out to her dad again. I've always been dismissed and my heart has been so hurt and hardened that I haven't tried in months. But I've been putting my human feelings aside...and digging deep for supernatural mom feelings. My pride and disgust and anger have taken a back seat...because if there's even a chance of having a relationship with him, I HAVE to fight for it. A relationship with him = a relationship with her, so if she leaves us...we could still have a window to her life. At least in my state of desperation, that's how it works. But once again, the door's been shut and I can't force it open. Everything could be so different.
2 years ago today, I fell madly in love with someone else's child. I said yes...knowing that's exactly what would happen. Our entire family fell in love. And that love has been returned with complete trust and faith...because she knows we'll never leave her. She knows how loved she is, she knows and loves her world. Joy and happiness radiate from her beautiful brown eyes. She knows who will get her out of bed every morning, who will feed her, get her dressed and take her outside to play. She knows who will give her a treat when she goes on the potty, who will dance with her and color with her and let her steal daddy's chapstick. She knows who will give her a bath and sing her to sleep. She knows she has two brothers who will play "baby stampede" and hide from her and run with her and make her laugh so hard she can't breathe. She knows she has a big sister who will push her on the swing and take her upstairs to play in her big girl room when she's being fussy and nothing else is working. She knows she has grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who ADORE her. As far as she knows...these things will never change. Why would they? This is her life. And why tears stream down my face as I type this. I'm stuck here. Maybe the hearing will go so differently tomorrow and everything will be okay. Maybe all these fear filled thoughts are meaningless...and my intuition is off. I pray so. I know I've said this before...but I'm not strong, just willing to suffer. And I need your prayers for strength. I need your prayers for our 3 big kids and my husband, and more than anything...our baby girl needs your prayers. My prayers haven't been filled with unwavering faith that she'll be ours forever. I wish they were...I want so badly to feel it, know it, and believe it. I've been asking God to open hearts and minds and reveal His plan to me...but He hasn't yet. Please let me know if He lets you know:) And thank you...I know I'll have restored peace tomorrow because of all the people praying for her. I always do.
Love,
Samantha
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
The Shifting
I wrote the blog below over a month ago and didn't click publish. Some of you probably know we had a court hearing last week...and after 15 months of inconsistency and irresponsibility and having no real investment in his daughter's life, the judge ordered that our baby girl start having weekend sleepovers with her birth father. Starting immediately. We walked out of the courtroom feeling confused and heart broken. I've been trying so hard to make sense of it...to find the wisdom in her decision. I think I might know what she's trying to do...but I hate that it's at our baby girl's expense. And you know what? I understand that we're all in this for mom and dad...DCS, us, the various providers, we're all doing our "part" to help them. So they can improve, get on their feet, learn how to parent appropriately. But my God...there has to be a timeline. Especially with babies who can in no way understand what's going on. At some point, can it please be about them? I think if the judge could feel what I feel...what the baby feels. When it's time for a visit and she clings to me so tight, refusing to go to the lady that transports her. I can't peel her off of me so I have to be the one who puts her in the car with tears streaming down her face while she reaches out for me, and I just have to shut the car door. Like a robot. And I'm supposed to protect her...when I know she'll come back home smelling like an ashtray. She has asthma. If the judge could for a second, feel what that's like, watch what we're doing to this baby who has no voice in this, who didn't choose any of this. Would she have made that decision a week ago? If there's a heart in her chest, I would think not. Why do we hold the hands of adults for months upon months while their babies live and grow up and bond with another family? The children are the ones who lose in all this. Not foster families. Not birth parents. We got to make our choices and put ourselves in these spaces. I would say sorry for the rant. But I'm really not. That was real and honest and raw and this is hard.
So I wrote this blog over a month ago...just kind of explaining our hearts and who we are and why we do this and how on earth we find ourselves in this place...again.
Can I tell you what foster care means to us? It's a ministry. A way for us to be world changers, a way to connect with people we would otherwise never cross paths with, a way for us to share what God has given us, a way to love and live beyond ourselves, it's a witness to our faith. What it has never been...is a means, an avenue that will hopefully lead us to adoption. We have never invited someone's child into our home with the intent of making them forever ours. Even if my heart starts to wander in that direction (because I'm human), I don't pray for it. I talk to God about it...He comforts me, gives me peace, and we keep going. Honestly, it feels wrong to pray for it.
That being said, there's something that happens. I know it's real and I know God's giving me permission. I remember it with our kids...I call it the shifting. I was so blessed to know their birth mom, blessed to be a resource and have that relationship my heart craved. And by God's grace, I still get to have her in my life...in our lives. But once we reached that 12 month mark, something happened. I won't go into all the details of what we experienced in those 12 months, but 12 months...and there was no end in sight. Nothing to make us hopeful or even encouraged about reunification. And all of the sudden, the fight I had for their birth mom shifted and I began to fight for our children. I believe God did it. He had other plans for His children and He wrapped His arms around me and said...It's okay and I want you to feel this way. I'll pave the road for you, just keep running. And once I had that freedom, I ran like the wind and His blessings were too numerous to count. He gave us the greatest gift...they have our last name.
We were in the process of adopting through a private agency when they first came. He was born 6 months into their "stay" with us. He was our forever baby, he was planned for, prayed for, pleaded for, and in His perfect time, God said yes and he was in our arms. That is how adoption should look, right? Wrong. God has so many plans for us...and sometimes He uses pure hearts and intentions and we give Him our "yes" and then BAM! He blesses big. He leads you down a very particular path and reveals plans that blow your mind. And He gives you your huge, deep, desires...when you least expect it. Sometimes, I fall on my face with gratitude. He has given us so much. He trusts us. I say this a lot, but at times, I still can't believe this is my real life. But it is...and I look at their faces and I'm literally overwhelmed by His goodness.
So flash forward to now...our baby girl. We welcomed her into our home on June 6th, 2014. She was 6 weeks old. Pure heart, pure intentions, ready to put ourselves out there and simply love. After almost 16 months of being completely in love with this baby girl in our home...the shifting has started. I don't yet feel the permission, the freedom, I felt before. But I feel like it's coming, and we need prayer. It's a weird thing...praying to a God who completely knows your heart...and then telling Him that He knows your heart, but He also knows what's best for His baby. And I don't.
So please pray for us, for clarity and peace for our family, for protection over our baby, that her heart and mind would be unscarred no matter the outcome, and she'll grow to fall in love with Jesus. Just pray us through this chapter. And hey...by all means...if He's given you permission to pray "that" prayer for us, go right ahead! A friend reminded me this passed weekend...that when we pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf. I instantly had this image in my head of Him going to war for our baby. There were so many people praying this weekend. What a privilege! The Holy Spirit is alive and well and He was there with her every second...keeping her safe, guarding her lungs, maybe even working on the heart of her father. I found so much comfort in that image and the reminder that prayer is power.
Thank you prayer warriors, so very much.
In His love,
Crazy Mama Crook
So I wrote this blog over a month ago...just kind of explaining our hearts and who we are and why we do this and how on earth we find ourselves in this place...again.
Can I tell you what foster care means to us? It's a ministry. A way for us to be world changers, a way to connect with people we would otherwise never cross paths with, a way for us to share what God has given us, a way to love and live beyond ourselves, it's a witness to our faith. What it has never been...is a means, an avenue that will hopefully lead us to adoption. We have never invited someone's child into our home with the intent of making them forever ours. Even if my heart starts to wander in that direction (because I'm human), I don't pray for it. I talk to God about it...He comforts me, gives me peace, and we keep going. Honestly, it feels wrong to pray for it.
That being said, there's something that happens. I know it's real and I know God's giving me permission. I remember it with our kids...I call it the shifting. I was so blessed to know their birth mom, blessed to be a resource and have that relationship my heart craved. And by God's grace, I still get to have her in my life...in our lives. But once we reached that 12 month mark, something happened. I won't go into all the details of what we experienced in those 12 months, but 12 months...and there was no end in sight. Nothing to make us hopeful or even encouraged about reunification. And all of the sudden, the fight I had for their birth mom shifted and I began to fight for our children. I believe God did it. He had other plans for His children and He wrapped His arms around me and said...It's okay and I want you to feel this way. I'll pave the road for you, just keep running. And once I had that freedom, I ran like the wind and His blessings were too numerous to count. He gave us the greatest gift...they have our last name.
We were in the process of adopting through a private agency when they first came. He was born 6 months into their "stay" with us. He was our forever baby, he was planned for, prayed for, pleaded for, and in His perfect time, God said yes and he was in our arms. That is how adoption should look, right? Wrong. God has so many plans for us...and sometimes He uses pure hearts and intentions and we give Him our "yes" and then BAM! He blesses big. He leads you down a very particular path and reveals plans that blow your mind. And He gives you your huge, deep, desires...when you least expect it. Sometimes, I fall on my face with gratitude. He has given us so much. He trusts us. I say this a lot, but at times, I still can't believe this is my real life. But it is...and I look at their faces and I'm literally overwhelmed by His goodness.
So flash forward to now...our baby girl. We welcomed her into our home on June 6th, 2014. She was 6 weeks old. Pure heart, pure intentions, ready to put ourselves out there and simply love. After almost 16 months of being completely in love with this baby girl in our home...the shifting has started. I don't yet feel the permission, the freedom, I felt before. But I feel like it's coming, and we need prayer. It's a weird thing...praying to a God who completely knows your heart...and then telling Him that He knows your heart, but He also knows what's best for His baby. And I don't.
So please pray for us, for clarity and peace for our family, for protection over our baby, that her heart and mind would be unscarred no matter the outcome, and she'll grow to fall in love with Jesus. Just pray us through this chapter. And hey...by all means...if He's given you permission to pray "that" prayer for us, go right ahead! A friend reminded me this passed weekend...that when we pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf. I instantly had this image in my head of Him going to war for our baby. There were so many people praying this weekend. What a privilege! The Holy Spirit is alive and well and He was there with her every second...keeping her safe, guarding her lungs, maybe even working on the heart of her father. I found so much comfort in that image and the reminder that prayer is power.
Thank you prayer warriors, so very much.
In His love,
Crazy Mama Crook
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Falling madly in love...A year later.
I
love the way she claps when I walk into her bedroom. I love the way
she takes off in her super speed crawl when she sees me walking
toward her with a diaper. I love her weird nervous baby giggle she's
had since I can remember. I love her baby smell. I love the way she
goes into spaz mode and loses control of her limbs when daddy gets
home. I love watching her constantly learn new things. I love the way
she eats like a monster, even though the clean up process is a daily
time sucker. I love the way she smacks her lips when you're eating
something that she'd like you to share. I love the sneaky smile she
flaunts right before she does something “naughty”. I love her
backwards wave. I love her joy, her confidence, her cuddles, her
enthusiasm over just about everything. I love the way she loves us
back with so much faith...knowing we'll never stop loving her. And we
won't. But today...that's the hard part. We still have no idea what
the future holds for our family. We're sitting tight in our current
chapter...love...completely and blindly. And if she leaves, I don't
even know...can't comprehend what it will be like. Watching our
children suffer will be devastating on top of devastation. But we'll
be okay...somehow. We'll process the pain together and call on God
to heal our brokenness. But the baby...I hate....hate thinking about
what it's like for her. What is it like to be taken from all that you
know, the family you know as yours, your safety, security, everything
you love, your life as you know it, gone. Your every day, routine,
home, the walls you've been raised in, the room you wake up in every
morning, all of your people...not just your family. All of it...gone.
And replaced with a new life that doesn't bare any resemblance with
the only life you know. That's where I am today. Thinking about the
thing that I hate. And I remember this with our kids, I remember
visions I had in my head of them waiting at a window...watching.
Because they know we will always come to get them. Praise God those
visions held no truth and they'll never wait at that window. The
unknown feels impossible some days. Loving her for a year...a year.
And we'll continue to love every second we have...we wouldn't change
a thing. This is where God wants us. It's just a hard day, the
thoughts I hate, the ones I work to avoid, are hanging out in my head
and heart. My love for her is so completely full. There's no
“guarding my heart” (dumbest phrase ever). It belongs to her and she's given hers to us
and she trusts us like a baby trusts their family. And it hurts
today. Still so much uncertainty. And I think...I know...it would be
different if efforts (by all parties involved) had been made to build
a bond during this year...her first year. It would be different if
we were blessed with the kind of relationships we've had in the past.
That's a crucial part of this ministry. I need and depend on
pouring into the people who love our babies...THEIR babies. I need to fight for them...as hard as I fight for their children. That's
the only way to do this right. Trying to choose love on a level that
seems impossible...and failing. And I know I'm not trying hard enough. Of her 13 months of life, we've been hers for 12. That's a lot of time gained, and a lot of time lost. And I'm striving for thankfulness instead of despair as we approach this anniversary. I'll get there, God is good.
Thanks for walking through this with
me today. Thank you to everyone who's covered our family in
prayer. We are so incredibly thankful for
this year we've been given. Our family is crazy madly in love with
our longest ever house guest:) And we're all better for it...no
matter the ending. We'll see where God takes us from here. I'm
thankful for the power of prayer and a sovereign God whose already
got it all mapped out. I know that will be my safe place when and if
she leaves. He's faithful.
In
His amazing love,
Crazy
Mama Crook
Monday, July 7, 2014
Falling madly in love with someone else's child...
Fostering...and the following statement. "I don't know how you do it...I could never let them go." Let me share my response with you...yes, it is hard. Actually, it kind of feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. But this isn't about me...and if I forfeit the pain, I forfeit the love. I think my response may sound a little raw. But those words get tired and my heart gets honest. I was talking to a foster mama friend over the weekend and asked her how she responds to "the question", she says "God could take any of my children at any moment...they are all His and there are no guarantees". I like that.
I have fallen madly in love with the baby girl in our home...our entire family has. I watch my husband dote over her, the way he talks to her, looks at her, she is his. I watch my children's eyes light up when they see her each morning, the way they compete for her attention, brag about her, want everyone they know to meet her. My heart will indeed break when she leaves...and then it will break 4 times over for each of my loves. This is a ministry...and it's hard, but it's beautiful. And I'm thankful that we are raising children who get to experience this kind of love. Their hearts are fragile and their pain will break me, but a love is being cultivated in each of them...a love that can't be taught. They are living it. They've embraced her presence from the moment she arrived...they have selflessly gave of their time with mom and dad without complaint. They are 4, 5, and 6. They bless me.
We love baby girl like our own...that's the only way to be a foster family...the right way. She's now 10 weeks old and we're watching her grow and do new things every day. She is such a blessing and has reminded me what it's like to be stretched again. Sometimes we get comfortable, safe, and way too busy with ourselves. And then God interrupts and reminds me how much I need Him. We don't get a lot of activity in our home...usually one houseguest a year. So it always feels both familiar and new to me. Each experience has been so different, but we have always been blessed with the opportunity to love on the mamas...something crucial to my mom heart. We must must MUST invest in the mothers of the children we get to love. How can we not? I haven't gotten to meet baby girl's mom yet...but I'm certain I will. Just waiting on God's divine appointment...it'll happen:) I want her to succeed...for herself and her child...we pray for her and try to help our children understand on a level they can reason with. Our two oldest were adopted through the foster care system and our daughter knows and understands her story. I know she relates to baby girl on a level I never will. She sometimes struggles to pray with us...for baby girl's mom. At 6 years old, she is processing things I assumed would come later. She is wise beyond her years...and loving without limits is kind of her thing. Someday she'll know how hard we fought for her birth mother...and that there came a point where God asked us to shift our fight...for our children. In this ministry (not the children waiting for forever families), adoption should never be the plan, and unless God speaks to you, it feels wrong to pray for it. But...sometimes...He plans for His precious children to end up with your last name. He saw fit to bless us bigger than we could have ever imagined...and I know this ministry blesses Him back.
So back to "the question"...it is hard. So hard. Some days kind of impossible. But the love is easy...and so needed. For us, having a heart for God and children were the only prerequisites for the "job". When you live and love outside yourself, you can trust Him. It will hurt...and He'll take care of you.
For His Glory,
Crazy Mama Crook
I have fallen madly in love with the baby girl in our home...our entire family has. I watch my husband dote over her, the way he talks to her, looks at her, she is his. I watch my children's eyes light up when they see her each morning, the way they compete for her attention, brag about her, want everyone they know to meet her. My heart will indeed break when she leaves...and then it will break 4 times over for each of my loves. This is a ministry...and it's hard, but it's beautiful. And I'm thankful that we are raising children who get to experience this kind of love. Their hearts are fragile and their pain will break me, but a love is being cultivated in each of them...a love that can't be taught. They are living it. They've embraced her presence from the moment she arrived...they have selflessly gave of their time with mom and dad without complaint. They are 4, 5, and 6. They bless me.
We love baby girl like our own...that's the only way to be a foster family...the right way. She's now 10 weeks old and we're watching her grow and do new things every day. She is such a blessing and has reminded me what it's like to be stretched again. Sometimes we get comfortable, safe, and way too busy with ourselves. And then God interrupts and reminds me how much I need Him. We don't get a lot of activity in our home...usually one houseguest a year. So it always feels both familiar and new to me. Each experience has been so different, but we have always been blessed with the opportunity to love on the mamas...something crucial to my mom heart. We must must MUST invest in the mothers of the children we get to love. How can we not? I haven't gotten to meet baby girl's mom yet...but I'm certain I will. Just waiting on God's divine appointment...it'll happen:) I want her to succeed...for herself and her child...we pray for her and try to help our children understand on a level they can reason with. Our two oldest were adopted through the foster care system and our daughter knows and understands her story. I know she relates to baby girl on a level I never will. She sometimes struggles to pray with us...for baby girl's mom. At 6 years old, she is processing things I assumed would come later. She is wise beyond her years...and loving without limits is kind of her thing. Someday she'll know how hard we fought for her birth mother...and that there came a point where God asked us to shift our fight...for our children. In this ministry (not the children waiting for forever families), adoption should never be the plan, and unless God speaks to you, it feels wrong to pray for it. But...sometimes...He plans for His precious children to end up with your last name. He saw fit to bless us bigger than we could have ever imagined...and I know this ministry blesses Him back.
So back to "the question"...it is hard. So hard. Some days kind of impossible. But the love is easy...and so needed. For us, having a heart for God and children were the only prerequisites for the "job". When you live and love outside yourself, you can trust Him. It will hurt...and He'll take care of you.
For His Glory,
Crazy Mama Crook
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Adoption illiterate
Today I had a new experience...new doesn't mean good. As an adoptive mama, I've heard a lot of ignorant comments/ questions over the years. Usually I use those moments as opportunities to educate. Sometimes though, the words that come my way are so absurd...I am speechless...truth. A few years ago, I was at one of my husbands cross country meets (he's a coach) and a parent asked me if all of our kids were ours. When I said "yes", he replied with "Wow! You guys have a broad gene pool!". Now that's funny. And typically, even if I'm annoyed in the moment, I can laugh later and feel good about my part in educating the "adoption illiterate" community. Today...however...was not one of those days. I'm still in shock honestly.
I was outside with my family...kids were playing, and I was holding the ladder my husband was standing on while he cleaned a tree out of our gutter. Some neighbors were walking by with their dog and stopped to check on us. We were talking gutters and then out of nowhere the husband points at our youngest and says "Adopted?" That's it. "Adopted?" One word in the form of a question. My three children were all standing there petting their dog. I looked at my husband...we both had the same "Is this guy serious?" look on our faces. I gave Mr. H an awkward look and then replied with "Actually all of our children are adopted." In the kindest voice I could muster. I think his wife could sense the tension because she was quick to let us know that their three grand children were adopted too. Then he said it. The words "I know I shouldn't...but I'm gonna ask it anyway. How much did each of em' cost?" came out of his mouth. I. Was. Shocked. I could feel the blood in my face getting hot. I said "Yes you probably shouldn't ask people that question." And his wife walked away with the dog. I'm pretty sure she understood what was happening and was helping by getting the kids to a safe zone. But Mr. H didn't stop there...he proceeded to tell me how much each of his grand children "cost". To be exact, he said "those kids cost $xx a pop". I walked away. I went in my house and started sobbing. I could not believe what just happened...those words...my children...heard them. I was mad. As I cried I got more mad and knew I couldn't sit on it. So I marched back outside and my kids were still petting the dog, my husband was talking to Mr. H...so I walked up to his wife, put my hands on her shoulders, and through my tears told her that what he said was hurtful and inappropriate and to please ask him to never say that to anyone again. Then I walked back inside. She was kind and I believe she understood me. JT came in to check on me after they left and he was dumbfounded. Whether or not Mr. H "meant" anything by his horrible words, he was utterly rude. Tactless. It's rude to ask how much someone's home cost. Who in the right mind walks into someone's driveway and asks about adoption expenses. Oh wait...he didn't ask about adoption expenses...he asked how much my kids cost! In front of them. Like they are objects. And what if our kids didn't know they were adopted? They obviously do and that is a whole other blog but what if we were the crazy parents that didn't tell? Mr H. Just blew our cover. There are just so many things wrong with the words that were spoken in my driveway tonight. I can't wrap my mind around that kind of stupid. This made all the people who have asked me "do you think you'll ever have any of your own?" right in front of my OWN children seem like...uh...never mind, that burns me up too. Here's the thing...an AI (adoption illiterate) can say whatever they think they need to, to me. I will likely make them feel uncomfortable with my answer...and through that avenue, ensure that those particular words are erased from their repertoire. But...when an AI says those things in front of my kids...that does something to my mom heart. I'm defensive and protective. And I do not want to explain those kind of words to my 3, 4, and 5 year olds. No one has the right to make my children feel like they do not belong in this family or feel like an object that has been purchased. I will destroy that notion in their presence. Next time I'm going to do better. Now I know what this feels like and I'll be better prepared. I apologize for the tone of this blog, this isn't my style. Still hurt, frustrated, furious. I just hope this one reaches a few AI's out there. Some words hurt, some words make me boil...literally...I think my blood was boiling. My ears have never been so hot. All it takes is a little thought before the words flow out. I sure hope Mr. H is the last of his kind..because seriously.
~Crazy about my children,
Mama Crook
I was outside with my family...kids were playing, and I was holding the ladder my husband was standing on while he cleaned a tree out of our gutter. Some neighbors were walking by with their dog and stopped to check on us. We were talking gutters and then out of nowhere the husband points at our youngest and says "Adopted?" That's it. "Adopted?" One word in the form of a question. My three children were all standing there petting their dog. I looked at my husband...we both had the same "Is this guy serious?" look on our faces. I gave Mr. H an awkward look and then replied with "Actually all of our children are adopted." In the kindest voice I could muster. I think his wife could sense the tension because she was quick to let us know that their three grand children were adopted too. Then he said it. The words "I know I shouldn't...but I'm gonna ask it anyway. How much did each of em' cost?" came out of his mouth. I. Was. Shocked. I could feel the blood in my face getting hot. I said "Yes you probably shouldn't ask people that question." And his wife walked away with the dog. I'm pretty sure she understood what was happening and was helping by getting the kids to a safe zone. But Mr. H didn't stop there...he proceeded to tell me how much each of his grand children "cost". To be exact, he said "those kids cost $xx a pop". I walked away. I went in my house and started sobbing. I could not believe what just happened...those words...my children...heard them. I was mad. As I cried I got more mad and knew I couldn't sit on it. So I marched back outside and my kids were still petting the dog, my husband was talking to Mr. H...so I walked up to his wife, put my hands on her shoulders, and through my tears told her that what he said was hurtful and inappropriate and to please ask him to never say that to anyone again. Then I walked back inside. She was kind and I believe she understood me. JT came in to check on me after they left and he was dumbfounded. Whether or not Mr. H "meant" anything by his horrible words, he was utterly rude. Tactless. It's rude to ask how much someone's home cost. Who in the right mind walks into someone's driveway and asks about adoption expenses. Oh wait...he didn't ask about adoption expenses...he asked how much my kids cost! In front of them. Like they are objects. And what if our kids didn't know they were adopted? They obviously do and that is a whole other blog but what if we were the crazy parents that didn't tell? Mr H. Just blew our cover. There are just so many things wrong with the words that were spoken in my driveway tonight. I can't wrap my mind around that kind of stupid. This made all the people who have asked me "do you think you'll ever have any of your own?" right in front of my OWN children seem like...uh...never mind, that burns me up too. Here's the thing...an AI (adoption illiterate) can say whatever they think they need to, to me. I will likely make them feel uncomfortable with my answer...and through that avenue, ensure that those particular words are erased from their repertoire. But...when an AI says those things in front of my kids...that does something to my mom heart. I'm defensive and protective. And I do not want to explain those kind of words to my 3, 4, and 5 year olds. No one has the right to make my children feel like they do not belong in this family or feel like an object that has been purchased. I will destroy that notion in their presence. Next time I'm going to do better. Now I know what this feels like and I'll be better prepared. I apologize for the tone of this blog, this isn't my style. Still hurt, frustrated, furious. I just hope this one reaches a few AI's out there. Some words hurt, some words make me boil...literally...I think my blood was boiling. My ears have never been so hot. All it takes is a little thought before the words flow out. I sure hope Mr. H is the last of his kind..because seriously.
~Crazy about my children,
Mama Crook
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
She loved it! I survived:)
I am an emotionally inspired blogger...so today...I blog:)
We made it! Jayde had a fabulous first day of kindergarten and my tear ducts are still in tact! I am sooooo proud of her:) She was made to be a student...I realized this when she was reading sight words at 19 months. She's been showing off since she rocked our world and I adore her for it:) Today wasn't as "natural" for me...but I got through it.
The days leading up to this one were way worse. I was too busy this morning to turn into mommy mush. But I know my anxiety is still there by the way I take deep, uncontrolled, random breaths every couple minutes. And my chest feels weird. This used to happen every time we would have a court hearing for the kids. I know the feeling well. I don't think I'm "sad" that my daughter is in kindergarten...I'm struggling because I feel like a chapter in my life is closing. And it was my favorite chapter. I've been at home with my little loves for 4 years...almost exactly...and loved every stage and season. It was a distant dream once upon a time...and I got to live it. It was amazing. Wait...it still is...I still get to be home with my boys:) Although Chandler will soon be starting preK two days a week and I'll be doing preschool at home with Rowan. It seems like yesterday I was doing preschool at home with Jayde...
Why does time have to go SO fast? It went so much slower during our pre kid era. I was warned this would happen.
Other than the beginning of a life altering new phase...today couldn't have gone better. Well...there was this one thing...I must have misunderstood snack time. Jayde and I had fun creating a "snack chart" and shopping for the different items she would bring each day. Today she had carrots and dip, yummy gummies, and a super special surprise love note from me in her lunch bag. Then the entire class had goldfish...provided by...I'm not sure who. She didn't even get to unzip her bag. This made me sad...but I'll be okay. Jayde loved every detail about her day...including a "Mrs. Wiggins". I asked her who that was and she said "no one...I just really like that name. I wish someone at school had it." This reassured me that she is still just five...not actually heading to college:)
My boys...they have this weird ability to become playmate perfection when it's just the two of them. I do not complain. I caught Chandler being big and helpful...which was lovely. At one point in the morning, Rowan was crying about something and Chandler was singing to him "I like you, I like you, I like you, Just the way you are". Those of you who tune into 'Daniel Tiger' on a regular basis know this song I speak of:) After his serenade he said "You like that song Rowan? Does it make you happy?" Melt my stinkin heart. My blonde had all the right words to get me through this day...1/2 day that is:) And can I just take a moment to say...Praise the Lord for 1/2 day kindergarten! I'll tell you what...those programs are few and far between and I'm not taking the blessing for granted! We may have to revisit the topic at the end of this semester though...there's a chance my 'too smart for school 5 year old' resents me for choosing the 1/2 day option. Time will tell.
I know this post just needs a violin in the background...I'm a sap and I don't care. But the truth is I have so much to be thankful for...there are so many blessings...details that have fallen exactly into place. From a perfectly timed home sale, to low mortgage interest rates, to a beautiful new neighborhood, to fast forming friendships, to a school we fell in love with the moment we first took a tour, to a grant that allowed us to send our daughter there, to a curriculum that includes our Creator and His perfect text book. I am trying to meditate on all these things...these dreams...prayers that God said "yes" to and timed so precisely. And with His help, I'll kick this anxiety issue that rules minutes of my every day. I read a blog back in May...around Mother's day. It's a letter to adoptive moms...and I love this part...
We made it! Jayde had a fabulous first day of kindergarten and my tear ducts are still in tact! I am sooooo proud of her:) She was made to be a student...I realized this when she was reading sight words at 19 months. She's been showing off since she rocked our world and I adore her for it:) Today wasn't as "natural" for me...but I got through it.
The days leading up to this one were way worse. I was too busy this morning to turn into mommy mush. But I know my anxiety is still there by the way I take deep, uncontrolled, random breaths every couple minutes. And my chest feels weird. This used to happen every time we would have a court hearing for the kids. I know the feeling well. I don't think I'm "sad" that my daughter is in kindergarten...I'm struggling because I feel like a chapter in my life is closing. And it was my favorite chapter. I've been at home with my little loves for 4 years...almost exactly...and loved every stage and season. It was a distant dream once upon a time...and I got to live it. It was amazing. Wait...it still is...I still get to be home with my boys:) Although Chandler will soon be starting preK two days a week and I'll be doing preschool at home with Rowan. It seems like yesterday I was doing preschool at home with Jayde...
Why does time have to go SO fast? It went so much slower during our pre kid era. I was warned this would happen.
Other than the beginning of a life altering new phase...today couldn't have gone better. Well...there was this one thing...I must have misunderstood snack time. Jayde and I had fun creating a "snack chart" and shopping for the different items she would bring each day. Today she had carrots and dip, yummy gummies, and a super special surprise love note from me in her lunch bag. Then the entire class had goldfish...provided by...I'm not sure who. She didn't even get to unzip her bag. This made me sad...but I'll be okay. Jayde loved every detail about her day...including a "Mrs. Wiggins". I asked her who that was and she said "no one...I just really like that name. I wish someone at school had it." This reassured me that she is still just five...not actually heading to college:)
My boys...they have this weird ability to become playmate perfection when it's just the two of them. I do not complain. I caught Chandler being big and helpful...which was lovely. At one point in the morning, Rowan was crying about something and Chandler was singing to him "I like you, I like you, I like you, Just the way you are". Those of you who tune into 'Daniel Tiger' on a regular basis know this song I speak of:) After his serenade he said "You like that song Rowan? Does it make you happy?" Melt my stinkin heart. My blonde had all the right words to get me through this day...1/2 day that is:) And can I just take a moment to say...Praise the Lord for 1/2 day kindergarten! I'll tell you what...those programs are few and far between and I'm not taking the blessing for granted! We may have to revisit the topic at the end of this semester though...there's a chance my 'too smart for school 5 year old' resents me for choosing the 1/2 day option. Time will tell.
I know this post just needs a violin in the background...I'm a sap and I don't care. But the truth is I have so much to be thankful for...there are so many blessings...details that have fallen exactly into place. From a perfectly timed home sale, to low mortgage interest rates, to a beautiful new neighborhood, to fast forming friendships, to a school we fell in love with the moment we first took a tour, to a grant that allowed us to send our daughter there, to a curriculum that includes our Creator and His perfect text book. I am trying to meditate on all these things...these dreams...prayers that God said "yes" to and timed so precisely. And with His help, I'll kick this anxiety issue that rules minutes of my every day. I read a blog back in May...around Mother's day. It's a letter to adoptive moms...and I love this part...
"Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?"
That last line resonated with me in a big way. She gets it.
Here is the link if you want to read the whole letter...it's a great read:)
Thanks for checking in today...I know I've been an erratic blogger this last year or so. But for reals...this mama is BUSY:) Don't fret...once all my children are grown and in school for the rest of their lives, I'll have plenty of time to write. Maybe I'll start on a book...or maybe I'll get a job as a full time aid at their school. That sounds nice:)
The kisser of a kindergartener,
Crazy Mama Crook
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