Our next court hearing is tomorrow. The day after our 2 year anniversary of being a family that includes a sweet and spicy 4th child. And the anxiety has settled into my chest like it always does. I would love to tell you that I'm foster mom of the year and still cheering for reunification with her father. I'm not. Because...2 years. She turned 2 on April 27th. Her whole life has been with us. I can't separate myself from her. If I could...I would be okay. I would focus on all the blessings and joys in my life. I would focus on my amazing husband and our healthy beautiful children and our whole huge family and our home and community and church and school and friends and rejoice in those things. I would find comfort in my faith and stability in my support system. But I can't. This isn't about us and never really has been. I am fixated mentally and emotionally on her. Living her every day in a life that could be ripped away. She's powerless and she has no clue. NO CLUE. That her people, her routine, her home, her life, her safety and security and every single thing she knows, could disappear. She won't understand. And all of those thoughts make me physically ill. I can't separate myself from her, her well being...mentally, physically, emotionally...I can't wrap my mind around the pain she'll go through. I'm a mom. I've been her mom for 2 years. She's 100% a crooklin. Except she's not. She doesn't belong to us, but we belong to her. And today, I hate foster care and the whole system. I hate that children have to be victims of people who are supposed to treasure them. And I hate that 2 years later, they can be victimized again by a system that says what's best for her actually doesn't matter...what uninvested grown ups want is more important. I would never want anyone one else to get these 2 years with her...these years are ours. I wouldn't go back and ignore that phone call. But my God...my precious almighty God who loves me and loves her and is in control of all this...I can't do this. I don't know how. And I don't think I ever will. I need divine intervention...I need God Himself to tell me that she's going to be okay and loved and safe and happy and healthy and THIS IS RIGHT FOR HER.
I needed to get that off my chest. Sorry. I don't hate foster care...children need foster care. We live in a world where children are sometimes hurt by their parents. And we live in a world where those children need homes with loving families...I'm proud to be one of those families. I have no clue what will happen at this hearing tomorrow...but I do know my heart is preparing to lose her. Hearings never bring warm fuzzy emotions...this one just feels different due to details I can't really share with you. I've been feeling so helpless and scared and desperate...and trying to control it by reaching out to her dad again. I've always been dismissed and my heart has been so hurt and hardened that I haven't tried in months. But I've been putting my human feelings aside...and digging deep for supernatural mom feelings. My pride and disgust and anger have taken a back seat...because if there's even a chance of having a relationship with him, I HAVE to fight for it. A relationship with him = a relationship with her, so if she leaves us...we could still have a window to her life. At least in my state of desperation, that's how it works. But once again, the door's been shut and I can't force it open. Everything could be so different.
2 years ago today, I fell madly in love with someone else's child. I said yes...knowing that's exactly what would happen. Our entire family fell in love. And that love has been returned with complete trust and faith...because she knows we'll never leave her. She knows how loved she is, she knows and loves her world. Joy and happiness radiate from her beautiful brown eyes. She knows who will get her out of bed every morning, who will feed her, get her dressed and take her outside to play. She knows who will give her a treat when she goes on the potty, who will dance with her and color with her and let her steal daddy's chapstick. She knows who will give her a bath and sing her to sleep. She knows she has two brothers who will play "baby stampede" and hide from her and run with her and make her laugh so hard she can't breathe. She knows she has a big sister who will push her on the swing and take her upstairs to play in her big girl room when she's being fussy and nothing else is working. She knows she has grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who ADORE her. As far as she knows...these things will never change. Why would they? This is her life. And why tears stream down my face as I type this. I'm stuck here. Maybe the hearing will go so differently tomorrow and everything will be okay. Maybe all these fear filled thoughts are meaningless...and my intuition is off. I pray so. I know I've said this before...but I'm not strong, just willing to suffer. And I need your prayers for strength. I need your prayers for our 3 big kids and my husband, and more than anything...our baby girl needs your prayers. My prayers haven't been filled with unwavering faith that she'll be ours forever. I wish they were...I want so badly to feel it, know it, and believe it. I've been asking God to open hearts and minds and reveal His plan to me...but He hasn't yet. Please let me know if He lets you know:) And thank you...I know I'll have restored peace tomorrow because of all the people praying for her. I always do.