The REAL Deal

The REAL Deal
Here you will find the chronicals of the Crazy Crook Crew...enjoy:)

Monday, June 5, 2017

Falling madly in love...3 years later


3 years. I'm really writing this. While it's not hard to find myself frustrated that we're still counting the days our baby girl is part of a very broken foster care system, I have to rejoice and dance and Praise the Lord about the fact that we are HERE this summer. A full family of 6...living a totally different life than we were last summer. Do you remember last summer? I don't want to relive it...or make you relive it with me, but it was impossible and agonizing and devastating. A summer spent pleading with God for a rescue, a summer that ended with a goodbye that completely broke what was left of me. But that goodbye only lasted for 3 dark days. I know you remember. And then she came safely back into my arms. Redemption! The rescue did come and God's shown me time and time again that His mighty hands are all over her life. When will I learn? When will I find the rest that comes from the faith and knowledge God has worked so hard to instill in me? Back in April, the judge changed her reunification plan to adoption. It was a day where victory and tragedy danced together. It was a day that should have helped to heal the short, stifled breaths I've been taking for years now. And I think it did...for a week or so. But things have been moving slow, our caseworker left her job, and approximately zero progress has been made apart from the huge progress of the plan change. And after months of never leaving her side, I've been missing her for 2 hours every week...and I think that alone has stirred up doubt and fear and anxiety I thought I had put behind me. I understand that a plan change to adoption could motivate a person to do better and be better and try. But 3 years. I can't elaborate on details...but please know we still need prayer. And our baby girl needs protection over her heart and mind. Dealing with the ramifications of putting her in circumstances I have no control over...is hard. 


1096 days ago, we said hello to a beautiful brown eyed six week old baby girl. We've now celebrated 3 birthdays with her, 3 Christmases, taken 3 crazy crook family vacations. We're entering into our 4th summer together. That's a lot of life. All but the 1st six weeks of her life...to be exact. And for the longest time, that's what my heart has fixated on. She has no idea that she's a "foster child". And shouldn't it be that way? Or should we have raised her from infancy explaining that we're not her family? Should we have corrected her 1st words..."mama and dada"? Should we have made sure she understood that what she knows to be true, really isn't? These questions are absurd. And to me...they explain why no child...I don't care how old...should linger in foster care for 3 years. I long for the confidence that her adoption into our forever family is in the near and definite future. I trust you Jesus. I say that to myself over and over and over because it's true and He can be trusted and LOOK WHAT HE'S BROUGHT HER THROUGH. Some of these last 365 days have been the hardest of my life. And He lifted me up out of that valley with His mighty arms and tucked His sweet baby girl back safely into my arms. I've gotta get this "rest" thing figured out. I want this to be a summer of rejoicing and rest, but I feel like maybe the rest part will come next summer...because I'm human. Or maybe rest never comes...because I'm a mom. What I do know, is that I'm the mom of 4 beautiful and amazing children. They're a responsibility and gift I'll never take for granted. God has trusted me...little, unqualified, flaw filled me...with precious lives I played no part in creating. But He created them and in His complete sovereignty knew I'd belong to them. That's huge and heavy and miraculous to me. He can be trusted. In my soul, I own this truth. I think it's my head that needs the work. But He loves me through it. I can just picture Him patting me on my weary head..."Oh dear one, when will you learn? I love your baby girl infinitely more than you do. I loved her when I had her on my mind...creating her, fashioning her in all her sweetness and spice and naughtiness. Turn off your fear and find rest in me. Trust me." I think that's what I would hear Him say...honestly:) 



So here we are...3 years...1096 days, after 1st laying eyes on our sweet baby girl. We opened our hearts and home thinking her stay with us would lead to healing for her biological family. And for over a year we fought for them. Our hearts have shifted what feels like a million times in this 3 year journey...in an effort to emotionally survive it. This calling will never not be hard. I read something on Jason Johnson's blog today...he said "we love out of our poverty, not our abundance". He equates the poor widow, who gave all she had, 2 small copper coins into the offering box (Luke 21)...with the sacrifice of the foster family. There's so much truth there. We aren't wealthy, we have no super strength hero powers. We just have ourselves...our hearts...and our yes. We give it all. And His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Please continue to pray with us, for hearts to change...one heart in particular, for judges and caseworkers, and for her adoption into our family to be complete in 2017. It seems out of reach, but I've felt that way before only to be lifted up and put on my Father's shoulders. It could happen:) Thank you for joining us on this journey through your prayers and encouragement and hugs and tears. There aren't enough thank you's that could be offered for the army of prayer warriors that have fought and fought for her. I hope you all can see what I've seen...the incredible power of prayer and the faithfulness of our loving God...in a real, tangible, fall on our knees with thanksgiving kind of way.

http://jasonjohnsonblog.com/blog/loving-out-of-poverty

He has this. I trust Him. I'm so thankful. That's where my rest is, if I could just park my spirit there and run out of gas so pulling back out isn't an option. That would be perfect. But he loves me despite my shortcomings...maybe even more for them, I think:) The Gospel really does come alive in this ministry. Thank you for reading the 4th installment of my "Falling madly in love..." series. Perhaps this will be the last? With all my heart, thank you for praying. I thank God for you.



In His amazing love,
~Samantha

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Day 873

So it's that time of year when a huge manilla envelope comes in the mail and I spend hours filling out paperwork...documenting all the foster parent training we've done, paperwork for our doctor to fill out on my husband and I, medical exams for our children, paperwork on how to schedule ourselves to go get fingerprinted, criminal history check forms, background check forms for our children (yes, you read that right), forms for a water safety plan, child care plans, compatibility inventories, questionnaires, resource parent role acknowledgement, adult and pediatric CPR, 1st Aid, and blood born pathogens training (on top of the 15 required hours), copies of current pet vaccinations, water bill, drivers licenses, auto insurance and registration, and...I'm sure I left something out.  It's exhausting.  And today I decided to start on this pile right after a meeting that left me feeling kinda hopeless.  So my joy tank was struggling.  Let me back up...
I know the last time I wrote, we were in the process of moving our baby girl in with her biological father, after 2+ years with our family.  It was impossible.  We spent the entire summer trying to process and prepare for the impossible.  And on August 6th, it came.  Then after a hearing on August 9th, the judge ordered that our baby girl be moved back in with us immediately.  It was unexpected. It was nothing short of miraculous.  I can't share all the details surrounding her case and her situation and her story.  But a rescue took place.  And she came home.  She was only gone for 72 hours...but those 72 hours were so dark and desperate.  And so...after a heartbreaking summer of transitioning her and 3 days as a family of 5 in a state despair I'll never be able to describe...we've had her back for 2 1/2 months.  I've relished in every second.  I've sang and skipped and danced my days away.  We got to take her with us to Disney World and It. Was. Everything.
Now our next hearing is 3 weeks away...and I can feel the anxiety creeping in, my chest is tight, and my hope is hard to hold on to.  She can't go through that again.  I can't.  We can't.  Hearings represent so much unknown and serve as a reminder of what this life is really like.  You can pretend all you want...singing and skipping along...but reality hits hard and it knocks me off my mountain face first. No one knows what will happen.  I wish I had even an inkling of an idea...something to hold on to. But I got nothing.  We have a good case worker...but she's never seen anything like this.  So she's got nothing to give me.
So starting on this pile of paperwork while working through my worst fears, maybe wasn't the best idea.  But I started thinking.  What we're going through right now...this isn't the first time.  And we didn't sign up for this ministry to self destruct (just my current emotional state).  We made it out of the first valley and gave God the glory and understood 100% why we were sent down that road.  The blessing blew our minds and filled our hearts and changed everything.  We came out of that valley with the sun on our faces and the healing was quick and easy.  The agonizing journey was all but forgotten.  We're still in this valley...and I know that either way, God has a plan He's working and He's so good.  I can trust Him. But I can't fathom...can not fathom...going through this again...reliving this chapter in another season. This kind of heartache sucks the life out of you...ages you...scars you. So do I want to fill out all this paperwork? Do I want to find myself in this space again?  Does foster care ever look like inviting a child into your home for 6 months or less while you lovingly pour into their parents so that you can send that child you undoubtedly fall in love with back into a home where they'll be safe and loved and you can forever keep in touch?  Because after 8 years in the ministry...I'm beginning to think it doesn't.  And please don't misunderstand...whether or not our baby girl of 873 days ends up with our last name...she is worth every bit of my so called self destruction. Her place in our family for whatever amount of time isn't something I would ever change...even if our suffering goes back to that place we were in August.  Because I've been her mom for these 873 days...wholly, her MOM.  Take off the foster.  And my suffering serves a purpose in her life greater than I'll know this side of heaven.  And she's worth it.  Just like any child is worth the best love their parents can give them.  I'm just looking forward and...you know...being human.  Do we WANT to willingly lay ourselves on the alter and go through this again?  As I labor through the most unfun paperwork in the universe...these are my thoughts.  But I know we're called in this...I know I feel greater purpose living my life on mission in this way.  I know it's right.  I'm just feeling beaten down, kind of crawling my way to this next hearing, and questioning it all.  How does any God fearing, child loving, heart giving foster parent do this over and over?  I just don't know. Today.  Maybe I'll know tomorrow...or after the hearing.  This is probably so all over the place and confusing.  I'm trying real hard to be okay.  If I could just talk myself into being thankful for these last 11 weeks and nothing else...climb back up my mountain and fill up on those feelings of redemption and rescue I had on August 9th.  I'm so full of fear...that's all it is...everything it is.  I don't want to go back. There's nothing warm and happy and safe in the alternate ending...nothing my finite mind can see. And I need your prayers, friends.   The hearing is on November 15th, 3 weeks away.  I'm thankful for you and your strength and faithfulness through prayer.  God supplies the peace I need through your petition, I know this.  When I'm not strong enough...I know so many others are.  So many.  Also...I didn't mean "self destruct"...that sounds so selfish and...yuck.  But I'm not going to edit, because...sometimes realness is a little "yuck".  Just know I didn't mean it.  Kind of:)
In His love,
~Samantha

Psalm 50:15- call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.
(God whispered to me through my 1st grader's memory verse:)

     

Sunday, October 2, 2016

To the woman considering abortion,

 I won't pretend I've been in your shoes...but I want to tell you my story. And I'm hoping you can somehow relate. It happened 10 years ago, when I lost my baby....I went in for a prenatal appointment at 11 weeks and they couldn't find her heart beat (I've always felt in my heart we had a girl). So they did an ultra sound and she looked perfect, but only measured 8 1/2 weeks. She had passed away without my body realizing it. I delivered her unexpectedly at home while I was still praying for a miracle. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I know this isn't the same as what you're going through. I cried out to God for a rescue, a miracle, but I had no power to choose. I know there are so many reasons to consider aborting your baby, you might think you're too young, maybe you're still in school. Maybe you think you're too old. Maybe you had a one night hook up, maybe you conceived with your husband but just don't feel ready.  Maybe you're living in a state of crisis and feel you have no other option. So many reasons. I was only 24...but wanted to be a mom with all my heart. And after a long period of grieving, we tried again, and kept trying, but it wasn't working. We went through testing and the doctors said we were both healthy and there was no reason they could find, diagnosis...unexplained infertility. It was frustrating, unfair, confusing. But now I know why...and I have 3 beautiful explanations. I became a mom at 27, after a young woman looked through a binder of couples and picked us. And I fell in love with her. Because when someone gives you the greatest gift, when they choose life and choose you and carry the baby you've been aching for, for years, and then deliver that baby into your arms...you fall in love. I won't go into all the reasons why she chose adoption, but some would say our son was "unwanted"...except he wasn't. He was so wanted, and pleaded for, and prayed for. Our two older children came home to us through the foster care system. They were once abused and neglected...born and uncared for. I've heard the argument that abortion is better than being born unwanted. That there are too many abused and neglected kids in the system and we can control those numbers because abortion is an option. But if you met my beautiful children, I can guarantee you would agree that no matter the circumstances they were born into, they deserve life. They're worthy. And here's the thing...there are SO many women like me, couples, families, just waiting for someone to pick them. Waiting to turn an inconvenient situation, a crisis, into their greatest blessing. Maybe you think you want to abort your baby early on...before people even notice. Maybe you're embarrassed or afraid you'll disappoint someone. Maybe you don't even want children. This list could go on forever.  I don't know where you find yourself, what you're going through, or how badly you're hurting.  But maybe you can look deep down in your heart, realize your carrying a life, a gift...whether to you or someone else, and make a choice beyond yourself. Make a choice you will never ever ever be ashamed of. You created a life...a miracle that so many women never get the chance to experience. You have a living baby growing inside of you. And however unplanned that baby may be, they're powerless and pure and worthy. And someone is praying right now...I can promise you. A woman, a couple, a family, is pleading with God to give them the gift you might not be ready for. And the journey may be so hard...but you won't regret it and you'll be stronger because of it. You may even change your mind and decide you are ready. Give yourself that chance. You deserve it...you are worthy. You are here for a reason, you're pregnant for a reason. God put a life inside you, just like He knit you in your mother's womb. You have a purpose so much greater than anything you're thinking about right now. I wish I could know you...hug you, pray with you, listen to your story, look you in the eye and tell you...you'll get through this. Please choose life, not just for your baby...but for yourself. Consider my story...and the stories of so many like me. Consider your own story...how do you want this chapter to end? Or begin? Once the baby is born, you'll see that face and hear that cry...and never ever ever regret letting your baby live. I promise. And I love you.

Always praying,
Samantha

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Day 783

Today I woke up, put on a little make up, fed my kiddos breakfast, and got my baby girl ready for speech therapy.  I was feeling fragile and knew that my barely there composure was going to be hard to hold on to.  Then I talked to her therapist about her schedule and upcoming changes and her hand went to her heart and she opened her mouth to say...I just don't know how...and I don't even know what she said after that.  The flood gates opened and she and I got a lot closer today.  But that was the beginning of the end.  I spent the whole day trying to hide my tears from my kids.  Any still second I had, my mind was there...imagining what that day will be like.  The baby, my big kids, me, JT.  Do we take her to meet her dad with all of her things?  Do we say goodbye at home and let her visit supervisor take her?  Should I pack all of her things?  What if she comes back?  This can't really be happening.  I think maybe my God who doesn't make mistakes may have actually made one when He picked me to do this.  Because I can't.  I can't.  I. Can't.  How can anyone?!  I can't "can't" because of my own selfishness...although I can feel my heart being scarred, and it's slow and the most excruciating pain I believe I've ever experienced.  I can't because I feel like she can't.  She's not going to know that she's not coming home.  She's going to leave our house, her house.  Or maybe we'll take her and she'll go from my arms to his.  And she's going to think she's coming back.  Just like she always does.  She has no clue her whole world is changing. And by changing I mean CHANGING. Nothing...NOTHING in her new life is going to resemble her life with us.  The life she's lived for 26 of her 27 months.  Her family is just going to disappear and she won't know why or understand anything.  She's going to feel so abandoned.  I'm pleading with God to send angels to follow her everywhere.  I feel like I'm drowning and my eyes are so swollen you might not recognize me.  I don't really want to talk to anyone about it and I need people to joke with me and talk about other things and ask zero questions.  I need to figure out how to get myself back into a state of denial, because I've spent a good part of the summer telling myself this isn't happening, and I've survived that way.  We have 1 more week as a family of 6.  I'm going to ask her dad if she can stay until next Saturday evening, instead of leaving on Friday.  JT and the kids have school on Friday and we need that extra day with her.  I think he'll say yes.  We really need prayer...for our baby girl more than anything.  But also for our kids and wisdom on how to comfort them and help them heal, and for me...to get my head above this water constantly crashing down. There is no joy here.  I sobbed as I rocked her today, she saw me and looked so confused.  She just stared at my crying face and pointed at my tears as they poured out.  Then she fell asleep in JT's hat...like she's done the last three nights.  I really don't know how to do this.  I am not not NOT strong...I'm the very definition of weakness...and I know His power is made perfect in my weakness so I really need Him to rescue all of us.  Whatever that looks like.  I asked Him a long time ago to break my heart for what breaks His, I know He heard me and I did mean it but my God, this is impossible.  And this isn't what I meant by that.  If I could go back to June 6th, 2014, and ignore that phone call from DCS, and spare me and my family from this...I wouldn't.  I have to keep reminding myself that.  I'd do this all over again.  We are exactly what she needed for the last 783 days.  783 days.  I'm sorry for making you sad with me, no one wants to think about all this.  There's enough heartache in the world without having to think about what we're going through over here at the Crook house.  But thank you for your prayers.  I know we're loved and our community and families are so strong...a huge blessing.  I wish I could wrap this up with something spiritual and encouraging and optimistic...but I'm drawing a blank.  So, I'll just say thanks, again:)

In His Love,
Samantha  

Monday, June 6, 2016

Falling madly in love...2 years later


2 years ago, my mom took our three kiddos to church camp.  They were gone all day on June 6th, 2014, and we spent our kid free day yard sale-ing and doing yard work.  We planted a new sand cherry right outside our front door, I was missing the one we had planted at our old house...they're so pretty and soooo easy to take care of. That night we met my mama with our crooklins at my nephew's birthday party. And that's where we got a phone call from DCS asking if we could take care of a 6 week old baby girl. We said yes and left the party early.  2 years ago today.  Our sand cherry is big and strong and beautiful and so is our baby girl.  I think of them as the same age.  And that plant will be a reminder...no matter what the future holds, it will make me think of our baby girl and her story.

Our next court hearing is tomorrow.  The day after our 2 year anniversary of being a family that includes a sweet and spicy 4th child.  And the anxiety has settled into my chest like it always does.  I would love to tell you that I'm foster mom of the year and still cheering for reunification with her father.  I'm not. Because...2 years. She turned 2 on April 27th.  Her whole life has been with us.  I can't separate myself from her.  If I could...I would be okay.  I would focus on all the blessings and joys in my life. I would focus on my amazing husband and our healthy beautiful children and our whole huge family and our home and community and church and school and friends and rejoice in those things.  I would find comfort in my faith and stability in my support system.  But I can't.  This isn't about us and never really has been.  I am fixated mentally and emotionally on her.  Living her every day in a life that could be ripped away. She's powerless and she has no clue.  NO CLUE.  That her people, her routine, her home, her life, her safety and security and every single thing she knows, could disappear.  She won't understand.  And all of those thoughts make me physically ill.  I can't separate myself from her, her well being...mentally, physically, emotionally...I can't wrap my mind around the pain she'll go through.  I'm a mom.  I've been her mom for 2 years.  She's 100% a crooklin.  Except she's not.  She doesn't belong to us, but we belong to her.  And today, I hate foster care and the whole system.  I hate that children have to be victims of people who are supposed to treasure them. And I hate that 2 years later, they can be victimized again by a system that says what's best for her actually doesn't matter...what uninvested grown ups want is more important.  I would never want anyone one else to get these 2 years with her...these years are ours.  I wouldn't go back and ignore that phone call.  But my God...my precious almighty God who loves me and loves her and is in control of all this...I can't do this.  I don't know how.  And I don't think I ever will.  I need divine intervention...I need God Himself to tell me that she's going to be okay and loved and safe and happy and healthy and THIS IS RIGHT FOR HER.

I needed to get that off my chest.  Sorry.  I don't hate foster care...children need foster care.  We live in a world where children are sometimes hurt by their parents.  And we live in a world where those children need homes with loving families...I'm proud to be one of those families.  I have no clue what will happen at this hearing tomorrow...but I do know my heart is preparing to lose her.  Hearings never bring warm fuzzy emotions...this one just feels different due to details I can't really share with you.  I've been feeling so helpless and scared and desperate...and trying to control it by reaching out to her dad again.  I've always been dismissed and my heart has been so hurt and hardened that I haven't tried in months.  But I've been putting my human feelings aside...and digging deep for supernatural mom feelings.  My pride and disgust and anger have taken a back seat...because if there's even a chance of having a relationship with him, I HAVE to fight for it.  A relationship with him = a relationship with her, so if she leaves us...we could still have a window to her life.  At least in my state of desperation, that's how it works.  But once again, the door's been shut and I can't force it open. Everything could be so different.

2 years ago today, I fell madly in love with someone else's child.  I said yes...knowing that's exactly what would happen.  Our entire family fell in love.  And that love has been returned with complete trust and faith...because she knows we'll never leave her.  She knows how loved she is, she knows and loves her world.  Joy and happiness radiate from her beautiful brown eyes.  She knows who will get her out of bed every morning, who will feed her, get her dressed and take her outside to play.  She knows who will give her a treat when she goes on the potty, who will dance with her and color with her and let her steal daddy's chapstick.  She knows who will give her a bath and sing her to sleep.  She knows she has two brothers who will play "baby stampede" and hide from her and run with her and make her laugh so hard she can't breathe.  She knows she has a big sister who will push her on the swing and take her upstairs to play in her big girl room when she's being fussy and nothing else is working.  She knows she has grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who ADORE her.  As far as she knows...these things will never change. Why would they?  This is her life.  And why tears stream down my face as I type this.  I'm stuck here.  Maybe the hearing will go so differently tomorrow and everything will be okay.  Maybe all these fear filled thoughts are meaningless...and my intuition is off.  I pray so.  I know I've said this before...but I'm not strong, just willing to suffer.  And I need your prayers for strength.  I need your prayers for our 3 big kids and my husband, and more than anything...our baby girl needs your prayers.  My prayers haven't been filled with unwavering faith that she'll be ours forever.  I wish they were...I want so badly to feel it, know it, and believe it. I've been asking God to open hearts and minds and reveal His plan to me...but He hasn't yet.  Please let me know if He lets you know:)  And thank you...I know I'll have restored peace tomorrow because of all the people praying for her.  I always do.

Love,
Samantha


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Shifting

I wrote the blog below over a month ago and didn't click publish.  Some of you probably know we had a court hearing last week...and after 15 months of inconsistency and irresponsibility and having no real investment in his daughter's life, the judge ordered that our baby girl start having weekend sleepovers with her birth father. Starting immediately.  We walked out of the courtroom feeling confused and heart broken. I've been trying so hard to make sense of it...to find the wisdom in her decision.  I think I might know what she's trying to do...but I hate that it's at our baby girl's expense.  And you know what?  I understand that we're all in this for mom and dad...DCS, us, the various providers, we're all doing our "part" to help them. So they can improve, get on their feet, learn how to parent appropriately.  But my God...there has to be a timeline.  Especially with babies who can in no way understand what's going on.  At some point, can it please be about them?  I think if the judge could feel what I feel...what the baby feels.  When it's time for a visit and she clings to me so tight, refusing to go to the lady that transports her.  I can't peel her off of me so I have to be the one who puts her in the car with tears streaming down her face while she reaches out for me, and I just have to shut the car door.  Like a robot.  And I'm supposed to protect her...when I know she'll come back home smelling like an ashtray.  She has asthma.  If the judge could for a second, feel what that's like, watch what we're doing to this baby who has no voice in this, who didn't choose any of this. Would she have made that decision a week ago?  If there's a heart in her chest, I would think not.  Why do we hold the hands of adults for months upon months while their babies live and grow up and bond with another family? The children are the ones who lose in all this.  Not foster families.  Not birth parents.  We got to make our choices and put ourselves in these spaces.  I would say sorry for the rant.  But I'm really not.  That was real and honest and raw and this is hard.  
So I wrote this blog over a month ago...just kind of explaining our hearts and who we are and why we do this and how on earth we find ourselves in this place...again.

Can I tell you what foster care means to us?  It's a ministry.  A way for us to be world changers, a way to connect with people we would otherwise never cross paths with, a way for us to share what God has given us, a way to love and live beyond ourselves, it's a witness to our faith. What it has never been...is a means, an avenue that will hopefully lead us to adoption. We have never invited someone's child into our home with the intent of making them forever ours.  Even if my heart starts to wander in that direction (because I'm human), I don't pray for it.  I talk to God about it...He comforts me, gives me peace, and we keep going. Honestly, it feels wrong to pray for it.  

That being said, there's something that happens.  I know it's real and I know God's giving me permission.  I remember it with our kids...I call it the shifting.  I was so blessed to know their birth mom, blessed to be a resource and have that relationship my heart craved.  And by God's grace, I still get to have her in my life...in our lives. But once we reached that 12 month mark, something happened.  I won't go into all the details of what we experienced in those 12 months, but 12 months...and there was no end in sight.  Nothing to make us hopeful or even encouraged about reunification.  And all of the sudden, the fight I had for their birth mom shifted and I began to fight for our children.  I believe God did it.  He had other plans for His children and He wrapped His arms around me and said...It's okay and I want you to feel this way. I'll pave the road for you, just keep running.  And once I had that freedom, I ran like the wind and His blessings were too numerous to count. He gave us the greatest gift...they have our last name.

We were in the process of adopting through a private agency when they first came.  He was born 6 months into their "stay" with us.  He was our forever baby, he was planned for, prayed for, pleaded for, and in His perfect time, God said yes and he was in our arms.  That is how adoption should look, right?  Wrong.  God has so many plans for us...and sometimes He uses pure hearts and intentions and we give Him our "yes" and then BAM!  He blesses big.  He leads you down a very particular path and reveals plans that blow your mind.  And He gives you your huge, deep, desires...when you least expect it.  Sometimes, I fall on my face with gratitude.  He has given us so much.  He trusts us.  I say this a lot, but at times, I still can't believe this is my real life.  But it is...and I look at their faces and I'm literally overwhelmed by His goodness.

So flash forward to now...our baby girl.  We welcomed her into our home on June 6th, 2014.  She was 6 weeks old.  Pure heart, pure intentions, ready to put ourselves out there and simply love. After almost 16 months of being completely in love with this baby girl in our home...the shifting has started.  I don't yet feel the permission, the freedom, I felt before.  But I feel like it's coming, and we need prayer.  It's a weird thing...praying to a God who completely knows your heart...and then telling Him that He knows your heart, but He also knows what's best for His baby.  And I don't.  

So please pray for us, for clarity and peace for our family, for protection over our baby, that her heart and mind would be unscarred no matter the outcome, and she'll grow to fall in love with Jesus.  Just pray us through this chapter.  And hey...by all means...if He's given you permission to pray "that" prayer for us, go right ahead!  A friend reminded me this passed weekend...that when we pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf.  I instantly had this image in my head of Him going to war for our baby.  There were so many people praying this weekend.  What a privilege!  The Holy Spirit is alive and well and He was there with her every second...keeping her safe, guarding her lungs, maybe even working on the heart of her father.  I found so much comfort in that image and the reminder that prayer is power.  
Thank you prayer warriors, so very much.

In His love,
Crazy Mama Crook

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Falling madly in love...A year later.

I love the way she claps when I walk into her bedroom. I love the way she takes off in her super speed crawl when she sees me walking toward her with a diaper. I love her weird nervous baby giggle she's had since I can remember. I love her baby smell. I love the way she goes into spaz mode and loses control of her limbs when daddy gets home. I love watching her constantly learn new things. I love the way she eats like a monster, even though the clean up process is a daily time sucker. I love the way she smacks her lips when you're eating something that she'd like you to share. I love the sneaky smile she flaunts right before she does something “naughty”. I love her backwards wave. I love her joy, her confidence, her cuddles, her enthusiasm over just about everything. I love the way she loves us back with so much faith...knowing we'll never stop loving her. And we won't. But today...that's the hard part. We still have no idea what the future holds for our family. We're sitting tight in our current chapter...love...completely and blindly. And if she leaves, I don't even know...can't comprehend what it will be like. Watching our children suffer will be devastating on top of devastation. But we'll be okay...somehow. We'll process the pain together and call on God to heal our brokenness. But the baby...I hate....hate thinking about what it's like for her. What is it like to be taken from all that you know, the family you know as yours, your safety, security, everything you love, your life as you know it, gone. Your every day, routine, home, the walls you've been raised in, the room you wake up in every morning, all of your people...not just your family. All of it...gone. And replaced with a new life that doesn't bare any resemblance with the only life you know. That's where I am today. Thinking about the thing that I hate. And I remember this with our kids, I remember visions I had in my head of them waiting at a window...watching. Because they know we will always come to get them. Praise God those visions held no truth and they'll never wait at that window. The unknown feels impossible some days. Loving her for a year...a year. And we'll continue to love every second we have...we wouldn't change a thing. This is where God wants us. It's just a hard day, the thoughts I hate, the ones I work to avoid, are hanging out in my head and heart. My love for her is so completely full. There's no “guarding my heart” (dumbest phrase ever). It belongs to her and she's given hers to us and she trusts us like a baby trusts their family. And it hurts today. Still so much uncertainty. And I think...I know...it would be different if efforts (by all parties involved) had been made to build a bond during this year...her first year. It would be different if we were blessed with the kind of relationships we've had in the past. That's a crucial part of this ministry. I need and depend on pouring into the people who love our babies...THEIR babies.  I need to fight for them...as hard as I fight for their children.  That's the only way to do this right.  Trying to choose love on a level that seems impossible...and failing.  And I know I'm not trying hard enough.  Of her 13 months of life, we've been hers for 12.  That's a lot of time gained, and a lot of time lost. And I'm striving for thankfulness instead of despair as we approach this anniversary.  I'll get there, God is good.  
Thanks for walking through this with me today. Thank you to everyone who's covered our family in prayer. We are so incredibly thankful for this year we've been given. Our family is crazy madly in love with our longest ever house guest:) And we're all better for it...no matter the ending. We'll see where God takes us from here. I'm thankful for the power of prayer and a sovereign God whose already got it all mapped out. I know that will be my safe place when and if she leaves. He's faithful.

In His amazing love,
Crazy Mama Crook