Day 783

Today I woke up, put on a little make up, fed my kiddos breakfast, and got my baby girl ready for speech therapy.  I was feeling fragile and knew that my barely there composure was going to be hard to hold on to.  Then I talked to her therapist about her schedule and upcoming changes and her hand went to her heart and she opened her mouth to say...I just don't know how...and I don't even know what she said after that.  The flood gates opened and she and I got a lot closer today.  But that was the beginning of the end.  I spent the whole day trying to hide my tears from my kids.  Any still second I had, my mind was there...imagining what that day will be like.  The baby, my big kids, me, JT.  Do we take her to meet her dad with all of her things?  Do we say goodbye at home and let her visit supervisor take her?  Should I pack all of her things?  What if she comes back?  This can't really be happening.  I think maybe my God who doesn't make mistakes may have actually made one when He picked me to do this.  Because I can't.  I can't.  I. Can't.  How can anyone?!  I can't "can't" because of my own selfishness...although I can feel my heart being scarred, and it's slow and the most excruciating pain I believe I've ever experienced.  I can't because I feel like she can't.  She's not going to know that she's not coming home.  She's going to leave our house, her house.  Or maybe we'll take her and she'll go from my arms to his.  And she's going to think she's coming back.  Just like she always does.  She has no clue her whole world is changing. And by changing I mean CHANGING. Nothing...NOTHING in her new life is going to resemble her life with us.  The life she's lived for 26 of her 27 months.  Her family is just going to disappear and she won't know why or understand anything.  She's going to feel so abandoned.  I'm pleading with God to send angels to follow her everywhere.  I feel like I'm drowning and my eyes are so swollen you might not recognize me.  I don't really want to talk to anyone about it and I need people to joke with me and talk about other things and ask zero questions.  I need to figure out how to get myself back into a state of denial, because I've spent a good part of the summer telling myself this isn't happening, and I've survived that way.  We have 1 more week as a family of 6.  I'm going to ask her dad if she can stay until next Saturday evening, instead of leaving on Friday.  JT and the kids have school on Friday and we need that extra day with her.  I think he'll say yes.  We really need prayer...for our baby girl more than anything.  But also for our kids and wisdom on how to comfort them and help them heal, and for me...to get my head above this water constantly crashing down. There is no joy here.  I sobbed as I rocked her today, she saw me and looked so confused.  She just stared at my crying face and pointed at my tears as they poured out.  Then she fell asleep in JT's hat...like she's done the last three nights.  I really don't know how to do this.  I am not not NOT strong...I'm the very definition of weakness...and I know His power is made perfect in my weakness so I really need Him to rescue all of us.  Whatever that looks like.  I asked Him a long time ago to break my heart for what breaks His, I know He heard me and I did mean it but my God, this is impossible.  And this isn't what I meant by that.  If I could go back to June 6th, 2014, and ignore that phone call from DCS, and spare me and my family from this...I wouldn't.  I have to keep reminding myself that.  I'd do this all over again.  We are exactly what she needed for the last 783 days.  783 days.  I'm sorry for making you sad with me, no one wants to think about all this.  There's enough heartache in the world without having to think about what we're going through over here at the Crook house.  But thank you for your prayers.  I know we're loved and our community and families are so strong...a huge blessing.  I wish I could wrap this up with something spiritual and encouraging and optimistic...but I'm drawing a blank.  So, I'll just say thanks, again:)

In His Love,
Samantha