Foster Care, Faith, & Fertility...A Beautiful Collision

It's June 6th! I've written on this day for the past several years...but this is a "post adoption" June 6th, a "post A LOT of things" June 6th, and there's so much to tell you. You guys...so much has happened over the past year. It's been a wonderful whirlwind! Let's go back to last June, June 20th, when our four year foster care journey came to an end with the adoption prayed for round the world:) It was an absolutely beautiful day in every way. Surrounded by so many friends and family, we welcomed our little girl into our forever family and it was A LONG time coming. We felt peace and joy and relief flood our souls and we celebrated so hard...then we were off to the beach for a dreamy post adoption vaca! It couldn't have been more perfect, we were full hearted and our spirits were so light...it almost felt like a kick off to our "new life" which was the exact same life, without the stress and anxiety and unknowns. But all the joy and relief left me wondering, what next? We've been a foster family for ten years. It has not been the story we envisioned, though a much better one. One that's left us with a beautiful family of six, that God designed painfully and perfectly. So here we are, in our 2200 sq ft home, one seat left in our mini van, room for one tiny bottom amongst 3 boosters and a car seat. Our littlest heading to preschool in the fall, thoughts of heading back to the working world (after ten years of staying home with babies) swirling around my brain. Besides the logistics, I was thinking about the emotional journey over this past decade. Do we have it in us...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually to go through this again? The last four years had taken their toll, and the earlier years were no cake walk either (is foster care ever easy? NO:) I was sure I could love a houseguest and their family for 6 months, I was sure I could watch a family fight for their child and succeed. But that's all I was sure of. So I prayed. I prayed my way through the summer...asking God for permission to move on to a new season. I still felt the heavy burden for children in need and I prayed for God to take it. I explained that our resources felt tapped out, I explained what I thought the Crook family could handle. I tried to bargain for a new area of ministry and I just pleaded for permission, whatever that looked like. We could still be involved with the foster care world on some level, but felt the desire to retire from the current level. I prayed through June and July and August, and on August 29th, I journaled this...

"I’m in the midst of a season where I want to only feel peace and relief and joy. But I also feel like money is tight and time is tighter and we’re outgrowing our house. It’s hard to find the time for JT and I to go to our foster parent trainings to get our hours in, it’s also hard to find a sitter. Our foster care license is up in January, we’ve done nothing, and we need to get busy. But canceling a class because of schedule conflicts and sitter issues is easier. Our mini van has one tiny middle seat open, unless I kick our shorties out of their boosters and rearrange. The lists in my mind are constant...without court hearings and caseworker visits. The last four years were long and my spirit wants rest. But maybe we’ll welcome a child whose parents fight for them, and a six month hope filled commitment is in our future. There’s absolutely no way to know when you say yes to a child in need. And it’s never convenient. But how much more inconvenient for a child thats been hurt or neglected, taken from their family, and placed with strangers? Our city is in crisis, drugs are winning the hearts of moms and dads and our family can help. My heart is in 100%, I’m just a weary warrior, I think. Our children are all better for our ministry...our family is better. Our family is a result of saying yes to this! And it’s beautiful and miraculous and speaks to God’s sovereignty and goodness! Do I idolize my children, maybe. Do I want to give them all my energy, yes. Do I want their dr appointments and sports and school stuff and family fun to be my first priority, yes. This is a hard season to navigate and saying all this out loud sounds selfish. This is what it’s like inside my mind. One BIG area out of many other super busy ones. I read Francis Chan’s “Crazy Love” years ago and it was a game changer for us, his words are filled with wisdom and God speaks clearly through him. We’re not here to be comfortable, and when your “uncomfortable” looks like loving children who desperately need you...there should be no complaining or questioning. I prayed all summer for God to give us permission to be done with this chapter in our life’s ministry, I guess I don’t know what His permission would look like, but I do know I didn’t get it. So here I am, getting refocused, shedding my weariness and suiting up for a new season. We’ll see where our yes takes us."

I spent the next week making phone calls and getting registered for our cpr/1st aid/ AED course and foster care trainings...trying to cram it all in before January. 

On September 3rd, I asked Mr. Crook to swing by the Dollar Tree to grab a pregnancy test. He laughed, but humored me:) Here's some insight, on a very personal level...Mr. Crook and I were pregnant once, 12 years prior, and we lost that baby around 10 weeks. We were heart broken, we took a break, then we tried and tried and nothing happened. A couple years into the trying we were both tested and told there was no explanation. Our diagnosis? "Unexplained infertility", weird. But it wasn't long until God gave us the explanation in the eyes of our beautiful children, and our child bearing woes were given completely to Him. We let it go and it was so freeing. So, all that to say, Mr. and Mrs. Crook engaged in frequent and unprotected extracurriculars for like...a decade. With no cares to give about the "unexplained"...we were happy and free and floating through life (rather irresponsibly now that I think about it). So when Mrs. Crook is a hot minute late, Mr. Crook chuckles and heads to the Dollar Tree, where humoring his Mrs. doesn't burn a hole in his pocket. But this time I was a week late, which was a little different, except for the whole summer had been "off schedule" ...I chalked it up to a light spirit and happy heart and a huge decrease in anxiety since Clara's adoption, maybe that threw things off? So. On September 5th, I woke up with my Dollar Tree test on my mind. Mr Crook was in our bathroom getting ready for work, not even realizing what I was doing, so I used the kids' bathroom. They hadn't woken up yet. I took that $1.00 pt, and I blinked, and those two lines came so dark and fast I almost fell off the toilet. Actually I was frozen, shocked, tears filling up my eyes, and the Holy Spirit descended sweet and slow. God's voice was not audible, but it's like it was. I could hear him saying to me "I love you so much Samantha, here's your end game, rest in it." I heard it in my mind and heart so clearly, it was like I heard it with my ears. So I sat there and tried to let it all sink in and dry my tears before rocking Mr. Crook's world so early in the morning. I walked into our room and stood in the doorway of our bathroom. All I could muster was "babe" as tears streamed down my face. All he could muster was "what?" as his eyes got bigger than I've ever seen them. We continued with the "babe" "what" dialogue for a minute or so. Then I held up the test and he still kept saying "what?". I got closer, our teary eyes locked, and that dollar tree test was part of an embrace that made time stand still. It was the most unexpected moment of our 15 year marriage I would say. But it was so beautiful. We didn't have too much time to debrief as we had kids to get ready for school and I was aching to get to the doctor for a confirmation and some blood work. I totally trusted that dt test, I just needed to know we were okay. I called my ride or die ALWAYS there when I need her friend, and she came over to watch Clara right after she dropped her kids off at school...no questions asked (but I totally told her:), so I could get to the doctor to find out I was for real super pregnant. Those are the details of the morning of September 5th, the morning God revealed His crazy unexpected plan for permission and filled that seat in our mini van. We can only laugh at our "tapped out resources" as we buckle that 5th babe into her carseat;) God has always provided. He fed the 5000 with five loaves of bread and two fish, He can handle the Crook family with ease. I can picture Him laughing as I explained my worries last summer...oh child, if you only knew what I have planned for you, the resources you speak of will be covered by your creator, rest your busy mind my daughter:) Only He knew the delight and love, HE desired for us to experience this gift because He loves us that much. It still blows my mind. Oh...and the fact that we found out on September 5th, which was the same day we found out we were expecting in 2006. God was showing off how in control He is and making sure I understood this new life was orchestrated by HIS perfect plan. He continued to give us a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby, and we haven't stopped rejoicing. I've said it before and I'll say it again...giving my life to the Lord is the most exciting choice I'll ever make...He's turned my ordinary life into something extraordinary and I'll never stop talking about it. 

Right now, we're focused on enjoying our summer, being a new family of seven, and trying to get to things on time. My ministry is this family and raising my children to fall in love with Jesus and be world changers. This family here...will make an impact for God's glory, for generations. I'm sure of it. We'll see where the seasons take us...but I'm sitting tight in this chapter here, my favorite chapter, and feeling God's favor wrapped around us. Foster care, Faith, and Fertility...a seriously beautiful collision for this family. I'll never grasp God's ways or His love for me completely, but that's totally okay. I'll find my rest in Him anyway...always.

In His Amazing love,
~Samantha