Crying over a Cruise...

This Friday, January 11th, we'll be celebrating ten years of marital bliss.  Ten years of doing this crazy life with my best friend...my teammate...my better, more grounded half:)  This past June, we decided we were going to do something big to celebrate and we booked a cruise.  It seemed like a great idea at the time...no worries, only anticipation.  However...the closer we got to departure, the more anxious I became.  I've never been away from the kids for more than one night...I eat, sleep, and breathe them.  They are my every day and they make my every day.  I mean seriously...scroll up and look at those three faces again.  And the closer we got to our four days of freedom and relaxation, the more nervous/stressed/overwhelmed I became.  So many thoughts ran through my head...you wouldn't believe most of them...because I'm nuts.  For example, I sat on my couch one evening a week prior to our trip and imagined that JT and I were going to die on our cruise...leave this earth and be with Lord.  It didn't stop there...my imagination then took me to our funerals, our lives were celebrated together and our families had to decide whether or not to take our children.  They decided that the kids should see their parents one last time and in my "daymare", our youngest, Rowan, was being carried by his aunt to say goodbye to us.  He was screaming and crying and reaching for my lifeless body and my sister was trying her best to calm him and I could literally hear his voice screaming "mommy, daddy, mommy, Nooooooo!"  So as these thoughts/visions are running through my mind, and tears are streaming down my cheeks, I tell my husband that I don't think we should go.  I explain a little of my "vision" to him and he just stares at me...blankly...with a certain look I've received alot over the last decade.  And my worries are not taken seriously...not even for a second.  Easy for him...he didn't see what I saw...but whatever.  My stress level increased and decreased quite a bit leading up to what I'll call "d-day".  I'd talk to a friend who'd encourage me and talk sense into me...remind me how important my husband is and how good this uninterrupted time together will be for us.  Then a certain 5 year old got so constipated she had a fever and a certain 2 year old got the all too familiar ear infection.  They were fussy and clingy and we were leaving the next day...really?  The night before we left, we were sitting at the dining table adding up the math...our plane tickets and the cost of the cruise...how much we would be throwing away if we just stayed home.  And this was not just me...my husband is the numbers guy and he's the one who started adding it up.  The thought of leaving our sick children was not sitting well with him at all.  Now...I must tell you, we were leaving them with their favorite aunt and she was coming to OUR house.  So daily life was going to be basically the same for them and we had faith in her...we've seen the way she loves and cares for them.  She rocks.  That being said, I also love and care about her and thinking of leaving her with sick Crook kids for 5 days did not help with my anxiety.  But she came...ready and excited...referring to her time at our house as an "adventure".  And there was a part of us that was still excited by the idea of our trip.  Those two things combined with the $ already invested...inspired us to walk out the door.  Mind you, we spent the 1st leg of our trip talking about how excited we'll be when we get back home and feel their little arms around our necks.  But we left just the same...we did it.  There was no turning back.  Or was there?  You'll have to find that out later.  Why are we in our 30's and still not grown ups?  That's how it felt anyway.  I cannot believe we did what we did...or should I say, didn't do.  I'll get into that part of the story tomorrow.  It's been too long since I've written...

One Very

~Crazy Mama Crook