I thought about feeling bad, but...

So it's been a while since I've written and I've realized something.  I'm an emotional writer.  I need inspiration.  And he has arrived:)
Welcome to crazyland:)  It's filled with crazy baby love and this mama is crazy emotional.  We have a new little houseguest and we're all falling for him fast.  Life in our home has been a little more chaotic...if that's possible.  Adjusting to a baby that you don't know anything about while also attempting to care for our 2,3, and 4 year old as USUAL is a near impossible feat.  Scratch that, it is an impossible feat.  I'm so grateful for a daddy on spring break so he can be home to help with the adjustment.  Watching him love on a baby he doesn't know the same way he loves on his own melts my heart.  In fact, it sends me straight into the ugly cry.  Watching my little girl love on the baby and model so much of what I do melts my heart too.  She is such a lover...such a helper.  The boys are mostly uninterested, but she is on top of things.  She jumps to his rescue every time he makes a sound, with many suggestions about what he could possibly need.  She also has LOTS of questions...questions I wasn't prepared for.  The best answer I could give her for his sudden arrival while she was sound asleep, was that his home isn't safe right now so he's going to stay in ours for a while and God really wants us to love on him.  She accepted God's request with a smile and has overwhelmed me with her 4 year old heart.  On Sunday morning, she rocked a fussy baby in his carseat so I could chase her brothers around trying to get them ready for church.  She put him to sleep and as I watched her...the ugly cry again made an appearance.  As I got myself ready for church, memories and thoughts of my own children, their past, what "could have been", flooded my mind.  And the make-up that I desperately wanted to wear was all but destroyed...by the ugly cry.  The inevitable pain that comes with loving and losing has been on my mind too...but focusing on that isn't an option.  This is hard.  Nothing about it is easy...aside from the instant and unconditional ability to love a baby...THAT is easy.  In all the disorganization and chaos, I was reminded why most foster parents wait until their kiddos are grown to take on this ministry.  It definitely makes sense in so many ways.  Making sense isn't really a Crook specialty.  I actually did think, for a moment, about feeling bad for my children...feeling bad that they had to share their mom and dad in such a big way.  But I was quickly reminded.  This life isn't about us.  It's not about our sweet, safe, little family.  It's not about saving all of our love, time, and attention for our children.  It's about being Jesus in the most real way we can and chasing after what's on His heart.  Our children may not get all the attention they feel they're "entitled" (I'm pretty sure they're too young to feel entitled... you know what I mean), but what they do get is much greater.  Being the hands and feet, sharing their home, their everything, with a child in need, seeing mom and dad do their best to love like Jesus...THAT is a gift no amount of "attention" can match.  In my recent days of emotional mommyhood, I've also been reminded that the very existence of our family is a direct result of answering God's call to love hurting children.  How on earth could we let the very blessing God has given us for our ministry, keep us from our ministry?  That is a powerful motivator.  We are tired, and honestly a bit overwhelmed, but one look at that baby whose smile is larger than life...and it's more than obvious... he's worth it.  We're not sure how long he'll be with us, but we're squeezing in as many hugs and kisses as we can while he's here.  And those cheeks...they're SO yummy:)

A crazy emotional and crazy in love,
~Crazy Mama Crook

P.S.  Happy Birthday to the love of my life...the man of my dreams...the calm to my crazy...I. Love. That. Boy.