Thankful through a hard day...

I've been spending alot of time reflecting on things I'm thankful for...so I wanted to write a list and share it.  It's not super deep, just a simple list of thankfuls.  Things I don't want to take for granted.  I'm going to thoroughly enjoy writing it out:)  I wrote this list a couple weeks ago and wanted to post today.  It's a hard day, but there is so much to be thankful for...

I'm thankful for an awesome God who is in complete control of this crazy life.
I'm thankful for a Jesus who has saved me and promised me the gift of heaven.
I'm thankful for a husband who is most definitely the only person in the world who could love me so completely, dream my dreams with me, and support every ounce of my craziness.
I'm thankful for 3 healthy children.
I'm thankful for a daughter with a huge heart.
I'm thankful for a son who has been a fighter since the day I met him and has overcome so much.
I'm thankful for our youngest son who although very much the "baby" in this family, has welcomed a new baby into our home without a single act of jealousy.  Almost every interaction he has with the baby involves a sweet voice and a kiss on the forehead. 
I'm thankful for friends like Jess and Tyler Michael who are always there.  When the birthmom of our son went into labor...when we got a call to rush down town at 11:00 pm to pick up our little nugget...and LOTS of times in between, they were here.  When I'm overwhelmed and looking for an extra set of hands...they have the hands I need.
I'm thankful for a family that accepts every bit of craziness I have to offer with open arms.
I'm thankful for our membership to the Childrens Museum.
I'm thankful for Cars 1 and 2, Toy Story 1,2, and 3, Super Why, and every episode of Elmo's World ever created.
I'm thankful for my baby bjourn, that without, I would surely not be around to write this blog.
I'm thankful for White River Christian Church, a family full of imperfect, Jesus lovin people just like me.
I'm thankful for long family walks to McAlisters.
I'm thankful for the massive amount of energy God saw fit to give me.
I'm thankful for a sweet houseguest who is teaching me how to be stretched again.
I'm thankful for a little boy named Cooper (aka my sweet one) that makes my life even more rich.
I'm thankful for friends who bless us BIG...unexpectedly and undeservingly.
I'm thankful for a cozy 3 bedroom home that has taught me "space" is overrated:)
I'm thankful for a college roommate who is still my best friend, and recently joined the journey of adoption in a beautiful, crazy, and perfect way.
I'm thankful for a sister that has been there for me through every trial, tear, and triumph...made the phonecalls when adoptions fell through and threw my baby shower when our Rowan arrived. She is my safe place. 
I'm thankful for frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets during track season.
I'm thankful for my triple stroller and the mini van I once said I'd never drive.
I'm thankful God chose us to love our little nugget...even if just for a month.  The gift of our time with him is priceless.
I'm thankful for the minstry of foster parenting and all who take it on...a love I'm convinced is the easiest, hardest love in the world.
I'm thankful for a tight budget that serves as a constant reminder of how blessed I am to stay home with my children.
I'm thankful that God spared us from the pain we would have endured if we had lost Jayde and Chandler.

I'm trying to focus on that today.  They were part of our family for 2 1/2 years before their adoptions were finalized.  I can't even begin to imagine our lives without them. 
My heart is aching...saying goodbye to this sweet baby is hard.  He fit right into our crazy crew and we all bonded so quickly.  I know it's not about us.  It's about providing a loving and safe home for the time we're givin.  I just hate thinking about what THEY go through...hurting babies...what is it like to bond with a family, trust them, know that your needs will be met, wake up every day to the same face greeting you with kisses and a smile...and then all of the sudden, this love you've known, is gone.  It's not helpful for me to think about this...but I can't help it.  In the past, I've been blessed with having relationships with birthmoms...but not this time.  And that's hard.  I think I need that.  Our little nugget is going to live with a relative, I'm taking him to meet her this evening.  I've written her a two page letter and began packing up his things.  I hope she hugs me back, I hope I get a good vibe, I hope I can drive away feeling like he'll be loved even better.  A friend reminded me that he is God's son and I need to entrust him to Him.  I find comfort knowing that His strength will get me through this day...not mine.  And that I will pray for this sweet angel every time I think about him.  His picture will join Elijah's on our wall and we'll never forget him, that's for sure. 

~A sad little Crazy Mama Crook~

I thought about feeling bad, but...

So it's been a while since I've written and I've realized something.  I'm an emotional writer.  I need inspiration.  And he has arrived:)
Welcome to crazyland:)  It's filled with crazy baby love and this mama is crazy emotional.  We have a new little houseguest and we're all falling for him fast.  Life in our home has been a little more chaotic...if that's possible.  Adjusting to a baby that you don't know anything about while also attempting to care for our 2,3, and 4 year old as USUAL is a near impossible feat.  Scratch that, it is an impossible feat.  I'm so grateful for a daddy on spring break so he can be home to help with the adjustment.  Watching him love on a baby he doesn't know the same way he loves on his own melts my heart.  In fact, it sends me straight into the ugly cry.  Watching my little girl love on the baby and model so much of what I do melts my heart too.  She is such a lover...such a helper.  The boys are mostly uninterested, but she is on top of things.  She jumps to his rescue every time he makes a sound, with many suggestions about what he could possibly need.  She also has LOTS of questions...questions I wasn't prepared for.  The best answer I could give her for his sudden arrival while she was sound asleep, was that his home isn't safe right now so he's going to stay in ours for a while and God really wants us to love on him.  She accepted God's request with a smile and has overwhelmed me with her 4 year old heart.  On Sunday morning, she rocked a fussy baby in his carseat so I could chase her brothers around trying to get them ready for church.  She put him to sleep and as I watched her...the ugly cry again made an appearance.  As I got myself ready for church, memories and thoughts of my own children, their past, what "could have been", flooded my mind.  And the make-up that I desperately wanted to wear was all but destroyed...by the ugly cry.  The inevitable pain that comes with loving and losing has been on my mind too...but focusing on that isn't an option.  This is hard.  Nothing about it is easy...aside from the instant and unconditional ability to love a baby...THAT is easy.  In all the disorganization and chaos, I was reminded why most foster parents wait until their kiddos are grown to take on this ministry.  It definitely makes sense in so many ways.  Making sense isn't really a Crook specialty.  I actually did think, for a moment, about feeling bad for my children...feeling bad that they had to share their mom and dad in such a big way.  But I was quickly reminded.  This life isn't about us.  It's not about our sweet, safe, little family.  It's not about saving all of our love, time, and attention for our children.  It's about being Jesus in the most real way we can and chasing after what's on His heart.  Our children may not get all the attention they feel they're "entitled" (I'm pretty sure they're too young to feel entitled... you know what I mean), but what they do get is much greater.  Being the hands and feet, sharing their home, their everything, with a child in need, seeing mom and dad do their best to love like Jesus...THAT is a gift no amount of "attention" can match.  In my recent days of emotional mommyhood, I've also been reminded that the very existence of our family is a direct result of answering God's call to love hurting children.  How on earth could we let the very blessing God has given us for our ministry, keep us from our ministry?  That is a powerful motivator.  We are tired, and honestly a bit overwhelmed, but one look at that baby whose smile is larger than life...and it's more than obvious... he's worth it.  We're not sure how long he'll be with us, but we're squeezing in as many hugs and kisses as we can while he's here.  And those cheeks...they're SO yummy:)

A crazy emotional and crazy in love,
~Crazy Mama Crook

P.S.  Happy Birthday to the love of my life...the man of my dreams...the calm to my crazy...I. Love. That. Boy.

James and ChurchGirl Part II

On the first day of highschool, my freshman year 1996, I met a boy who bears almost no resemblance to the man I know today.  On March 25th 2000, I went on a date with that boy and although he wasn't my type, I was interested.  I mentioned in my last blog that he was working his magic on that date...a sweet talking gentleman who helped me gliterize my Dorothy shoes, and I liked it;)  That spring, he spent quite a bit of time helping me memorize my lines...more points.  Things started getting serious and after a few months, he was my boyfriend:)  He came to church with me and my family every Sunday and he gave his life to Christ and was baptized that July.  Now...all you know about James is what I've told you since I met him in high school.  I'm not going to delve into his pre high school history, but know that our God can transform, renew, and make any story into His love story.  And my husband's is one of my favorites;)  So anyway...I went off to bible college that fall and it was hard for both of us.  We had so much fun that summer and dreaded being a state away from each other.  You know young love...it's soooo dramatic.  I know he was worried I would find some young preacher boy and fall for him and I was worried about a girl in his study group at IUPUI;)  That fall, he worked very hard at school, and he also worked nights at FedEx.  He saved up his money to go on a mission trip to Haiti with me over Christmas break... I had already fallen for him, but this kinda sealed the deal;)  I would go home as much as I could on the weekends and we spent ALOT of time on the phone and e-mailing each other.  We dated for almost 3 years and we did have a few rough patches but that's to be expected...we were James and ChurchGirl after all;)  We got married in 2003, we were still in school and he was still working nights at FedEx...that was SUPER fun.  Actually it was...we didn't know any different and we were just happy to be hubs and wifey.  We didn't have an elaborately planned storybook wedding, "real" jobs, or a starter home.  We were just in love.  The kind of love where you only have a 2 month engagement because you're too excited to wait.  The kind that doesn't care where you buy your wedding dress, how you decorate the sanctuary, where you have the reception, or if you go on a honeymoon.  The kind that lives in an apartment for years with no internet, no cable, and a kitten for entertainment.  We were twenty and twenty-one and literally CrAzY in love.  We used to eat a lot of spaghetti and frozen pizza.  And those used to be the best meals ever.  I  loved telling people our story...I would get all JT's ID's out of his wallet.  I would lay them out in order of the date they were taken.  The 1st one was his college ID, he had angry eyes and a tough guy look on his face. And I would say "This is the old JT."  The next one was his Sam's Club ID, he had a cute little smirky smile on his face and I would say "This is JT after he met Samantha."  The next one was his driver's license where he was cheesin it up and his face spelled joy, and I would say "This is JT after he met Samantha and Jesus."  I just loved doing that, people probably thought I was a weirdo...which wouldn't be entirely inaccurate;)
If you keep up with "Sam and JT Plus Three", then you know the rest of the story from here.  It amazes me how God took two seemingly incompatible kids and created something beautiful.  And where He took us from there is even more beautiful.  Who would have ever thought the mean kid would grow up to be a teacher, mentor, coach and have a HUGE impact on his kids.  Who would have thought he would grow up and instead of insisting on having his "own" kids (as people often put it), he would open his heart to adoption and let God define his family.  No one was there to teach him how to be a father, but he is an AMAZING father to his children.  And really...who would have thought he would grow up and marry that annoying "church girl" in french class?;)  God thought it...He had it all planned out since day one.  My pride in him is endless and although he's only 12 years old in Christ, he leads this family with incredible faith and love.  We just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary and given our ages on our wedding day, I'm thinking we can make it to 50;)  So thankful.....

A more in love than ever,
Crazy Mama Crook

James and ChurchGirl

It all started in my freshman year french class.  Madame Rockabrand seated me right behind the mean kid.  You know...the kid with a grumpy face who doesn't really talk to anyone.  The kid that is too cool to pick a french name so when the teacher asks for his choice he says "I don't want a french name, my name's JT".  She obliged and called him JT...in french;)  I worked up the nerve to ask him what JT stood for and he was thereafter "James" in my book.  He couldn't stand that I called him that and so he coined the name "Churchgirl" for me.  My friend Sarah and I used to pass a notebook back and forth between classes. I wish I could get some excerpts for you but it's up in the attic...a place I don't venture.  I know there was a lot of "James thinks he's so cool, but he's so not" in there. Anyway...freshman year came and went and that was basically it for my interaction with James.  I take that back...I ran track my junior year, his senior year.  And he used to yell "TRACK" at me. That's what the fast kids did when I was on the inside lane plotting along and they were coming up behind me (and any other fellow plotters).  Essentially it means "move out of the inside lane, a real runner is coming through".  I would move, he would fly by me, and that was the end of that.
These were the contacts I made with the "mean kid" in high school.  He was prom king, Putnam county athlete of the year, a local track and basketball star...I believe he still holds the mile record at our high school.  And he had an ego the size of Montana.  Anyway, he graduated, I started my senior year and that was the end of that...of that chapter anyway.
The spring of my senior year, I was cheering at what would be the last basketball game of the season.  I was bouncing around in my little uniform, flexing my spirit fingers...and what do you know...Mr James Crook was sitting a few rows up directly in front of me.  Our eyes locked during "Are-You-Proud-To Be A Cougar Fan..." and because I have good manners, I smiled.  He smiled.  And I didn't think much about it.  But Ashley (the girl who dated (and married) his best friend) came up to me during lunch the next week and asked me for my phone number.  She told me who wanted it and reluctantly, I gave it to her.  Little did I know what that choice would bring;)  LOTS of phone calls.  There was always a reason I couldn't come to the phone and I was able to avoid him until...the day I answered.  Caller ID wasn't so much a thing back then:)  He told me I was a hard girl to get a hold of and the whole conversation was just awkward.  Here we were...James and Churchgirl, casually chatting like it was normal...it was weird.  And then I started to feel horrible about dodging his calls, he was a lot nicer than I remembered.  He asked me out on a date and my mom said yes to a double.  It was much more fun than I expected.  And so there was a 2nd date...a single...we ate at Joe's Crab Shack, went to Target and got me some patent leather shoes, and then went back to my house and gliterized them in the garage (I was totally Dorothy in our high school musical:).  That was a pivotal date.  I remember catching myself dancing to the music at Joe's and when I stopped and asked if I was embarrassing him, he replied with "Don't worry about it...I could sit and watch you all day."  Um...hello.  He got this 17 year old girl's attention with that one.  He was a smooth talker for sure.  This is getting long...I'll write more later.  I know you're dying to see how the story ends:) 
Today is our 9th anniversary and I still can't believe I married the mean kid sometimes;)  I'll tell you what though...God can take any "mean kid" and create a man after His own heart.  James is living proof:)  We just might have been the last couple in our home town that anyone would have imagined together.  And here we are...livin the dream with a purpose.  God. Is. Good.

Going on a hot, kidless date tonight,
Crazy Mama Crook

The Whispers...

If you read this blog (or know me at all;), then you know our story.  You know about the mountains and valleys and the long road we traveled to get to "Sam and JT Plus Three".  I'm still on a high...I haven't come down from the amazing mountain God placed me upon on December 14th, 2011.  I have however, had some time to reflect and see God's hands on every bit of our journey.  There were many times I couldn't see His hands or His purpose...but He was there.  He heard our cries and restored our joy.  He healed all of our pain in His own way.
Although I rarely think about it anymore, I remember October 16th 2006 vividly.  I remember walking into my Dr's appointment excited, innocent, and oblivious.  I remember the Dr. struggling to find a heartbeat, and after evaluating the size of our baby, telling us we miscarried.  It took a week for my body to react to the loss of our baby and I spent that week praying harder than I'd ever prayed for anything in my life.  My God can heal our baby...the Dr. could be wrong.  My prayers didn't matter, nature played it's course.  At least it seemed my prayers didn't matter.  But while I was grieving and questioning God, there was another baby being knit in the womb of another woman.  This baby girl would be born in 2007, the same year our baby would have been born (I "know" our baby was a girl too).  This baby girl would come into the world and travel a hard road on her way to us...she would wait for us and we would wait for her.  It was July 22nd 2009, the 1st morning Jayde woke up in our home, she woke up with a smile and called me "mama" with a question in her voice.  I was too weak to correct her...I answered with "yes" and mama it was.  I believe that was a whisper.  My God was letting me know that she was mine.
The spring of 2009, we met Julie.  She is the one who 1st opened our hearts to adoption...she devastated us in the process.  She gave us a baby and took him away just as fast.  Her baby boy was born that spring...so was Chandler.  He too, would travel a rough road on his way to us.  And God was preparing us to love a beautiful broken baby who would require more than we had ever imagined we could give. 
On February 6th 2009, we met a Elijah.  He was our 1st houseguest and he owned my heart for the months God gave me with him.  He is a handsome biracial boy with a personality that would have any mama at hello:)  It just so happens that on February 6th 2010, exactly one year later, our beautiful biracial baby Rowan came into this world...the 1st addition to the crazy "Crook" crew.  I don't think the exact date is a coincidence.  I believe it was a whisper.  Exactly one year after I met Elijah, the 1st child God entrusted to me... God gave us our 1st forever child, a baby boy that looks so much like him.  I can only hope Rowan will grow up to be as sweet:)   
All throughout our journey, I can now see God's hand, His whispers, His reasons, His plan.  He was designing and defining our family in His perfect way.  For each baby we lost, God was preparing us for babies He found and wanted us to love.  We had children all along...just not the ones we thought were ours.  When I think about all this I get those warm and fuzzy goosebumps.  I love my God and I'm SO glad He loves me the way He does.  He knows what's best for His children...this I know for sure!

Love,
Crazy Mama Crook

Forever Family!

I'm writing this on the day after our adoption hearing.  I'm writing this as the forever mother of 3 beautiful children.  I'm writing this as quite possibly the happiest mama on earth.  It took us 2 1/2 years to get here...2 1/2 years full of uncertainty, fear, heartache, and complete and utter joy.  2 years ago, we were getting ready to celebrate our 1st and what we thought would be our only Christmas with Jayde and Chandler.  Our adoption had just fallen through and we had two beautiful children in our home to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts.  We were in love with them but trying (and failing) not to give our hearts completely as we "knew" they would soon be leaving.  My sovereign God knew they would never leave and He knew our precious Rowan was on the way.  And we just knew He was holding us tight through every bit of our journey.  We didn't know the ending...just knew we'd be okay because He wrote it.  Well...as it turns out, we'll NEVER miss another Christmas, birthday, or milestone in their lives.  God chose us to be theirs.  And we are honored and amazed at His choice.  I've been reading the cards we received over and over and just trying to process our reality.  We knew our day was coming...but the gravity of it all is fabulously overwhelming. I thought about reading through the last few years of my prayer journal, but I fear the tears might just flood my house:) 
The hearing went smoothly, all 3 kids behaved perfectly, I was able to keep my emotions in check...well until I saw another adoptive family exiting the court room we were about to enter.  Our attorney told us they had just adopted their 5th and 6th child and I just looked at their beautiful family and the tears came rolling.  This was before our hearing even started so I was a bit nervous I was now out of control.  But I recovered and even made it through our attorney's questions with very happy dry eyes:)  Our friends and family were there with us and we had a party in the evening to celebrate... the whole day was just plain perfect.  I feel so complete, so in love, SO blessed.  The wait is over.  We have 3 children with our last name and there are no words that could justly describe how I feel.  I'm on a high and I never want to come down:)  When we began our journey as foster parents, I never would have dared to dream this big.  Saying goodbye was a job requirement...and now we'll never have to say goodbye...not like that.  We're forever family and every chapter of our story now seems more beautiful than ever!
Love,
Crazy Mama Crook  

December 14th!!!

After 21 months of living and loving life with Sissy and Bubby, termination was granted in April 2011.  We were on cloud nine, on the path to adoption, and in a little disbelief that this was real life.  Just 2 years earlier, our hearts were broken when our first adoption fell through, 2 1/2 years before that, our hearts were broken when we lost our pregnancy...and now we were on our way to becoming the forever mom and dad of three beautiful babies...THREE!  God is so, so good.  We had an amazing spring and summer and life felt close to perfect.  There was lots of paperwork...court, DCS, attorney stuff, and lots of waiting.  We were filled with hope and peace while we waited so we were in a good place.  By July, it had been two full years since the bigs walked into our lives, a crazy two years, two years of crazy growth.  There was a baby dedication Sunday at our church that summer.  I was a little sad we weren't up there, but I was sure we'd be up there by the next one coming up in the fall.  We had another in September and again we sat and watched, this time I was alot sad.  I still had hope and peace and I knew they were already ours, but I was growing frustrated, starting to feel like we were sitting in a pile of paperwork on a desk somewhere.  We realize that things can move slowly when dealing with DCS, but it had been 5 months since termination.  So we waited.  We had new family pictures taken...and we waited.  I took a sick little Bubby to the Dr, where I spelled his biological last name wrong...and we waited.  Before you judge me, know that we'd been calling them by their adopted names since April AND his bio last name is spelled weird:)  Ugh...that was so embarrassing.  I began homeschooling the first of many consecutive years of preschool...and we waited.  I communicated more than regularly with our family case manager and adoption attorney...and we waited.  And then it happened...I got a phonecall from our attorney just last week.  She asked me if I had plans on December 14th and I said "I'll be doing whatever you have planned for me".  And there you have it!  We have a date, a court date to finalize our adoptions!  There is a catch... DCS still doesn't have all of their paperwork figured out, but our attorney seems to think that if we have a court date, that will give them a deadline, and someone somewhere will be motivated to do their job (my words, not hers:).  So we're very excited, but we also know there's a chance it could get pushed back.  We're praying hard that December 14, 2011 is the date God has given us.  How wonderful to get two little Crooks for Christmas!  They've been ours for quite a while, but having 3 children with the same last name is a gift we will treasure for sure:) 

Thanks for taking this journey through our history book!  We're all caught up but I'm sure there's much more to come:)  I'll continue to blog although I'm not sure I'll be posting every Monday.  I'll do my best;)  We're constantly learning, growing, facing new challenges, and laughing until we cry.  Raising children is a huge challenge in itself, raising adopted children, with diverse stories, backgrounds, and skin color has been and will continue to be a challenge full of fears, tears, and triumphs.  It's still hard to believe God would trust us this much...but He does, and He's designed and defined our family in His perfect way.  I'm sure I'll continue to have plenty to write about...there isn't a dull moment around here  December 14, December 14, December 14.....
Love,
Crazy Mama Crook