Foster Care, Faith, & Fertility...A Beautiful Collision

It's June 6th! I've written on this day for the past several years...but this is a "post adoption" June 6th, a "post A LOT of things" June 6th, and there's so much to tell you. You guys...so much has happened over the past year. It's been a wonderful whirlwind! Let's go back to last June, June 20th, when our four year foster care journey came to an end with the adoption prayed for round the world:) It was an absolutely beautiful day in every way. Surrounded by so many friends and family, we welcomed our little girl into our forever family and it was A LONG time coming. We felt peace and joy and relief flood our souls and we celebrated so hard...then we were off to the beach for a dreamy post adoption vaca! It couldn't have been more perfect, we were full hearted and our spirits were so light...it almost felt like a kick off to our "new life" which was the exact same life, without the stress and anxiety and unknowns. But all the joy and relief left me wondering, what next? We've been a foster family for ten years. It has not been the story we envisioned, though a much better one. One that's left us with a beautiful family of six, that God designed painfully and perfectly. So here we are, in our 2200 sq ft home, one seat left in our mini van, room for one tiny bottom amongst 3 boosters and a car seat. Our littlest heading to preschool in the fall, thoughts of heading back to the working world (after ten years of staying home with babies) swirling around my brain. Besides the logistics, I was thinking about the emotional journey over this past decade. Do we have it in us...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually to go through this again? The last four years had taken their toll, and the earlier years were no cake walk either (is foster care ever easy? NO:) I was sure I could love a houseguest and their family for 6 months, I was sure I could watch a family fight for their child and succeed. But that's all I was sure of. So I prayed. I prayed my way through the summer...asking God for permission to move on to a new season. I still felt the heavy burden for children in need and I prayed for God to take it. I explained that our resources felt tapped out, I explained what I thought the Crook family could handle. I tried to bargain for a new area of ministry and I just pleaded for permission, whatever that looked like. We could still be involved with the foster care world on some level, but felt the desire to retire from the current level. I prayed through June and July and August, and on August 29th, I journaled this...

"I’m in the midst of a season where I want to only feel peace and relief and joy. But I also feel like money is tight and time is tighter and we’re outgrowing our house. It’s hard to find the time for JT and I to go to our foster parent trainings to get our hours in, it’s also hard to find a sitter. Our foster care license is up in January, we’ve done nothing, and we need to get busy. But canceling a class because of schedule conflicts and sitter issues is easier. Our mini van has one tiny middle seat open, unless I kick our shorties out of their boosters and rearrange. The lists in my mind are constant...without court hearings and caseworker visits. The last four years were long and my spirit wants rest. But maybe we’ll welcome a child whose parents fight for them, and a six month hope filled commitment is in our future. There’s absolutely no way to know when you say yes to a child in need. And it’s never convenient. But how much more inconvenient for a child thats been hurt or neglected, taken from their family, and placed with strangers? Our city is in crisis, drugs are winning the hearts of moms and dads and our family can help. My heart is in 100%, I’m just a weary warrior, I think. Our children are all better for our ministry...our family is better. Our family is a result of saying yes to this! And it’s beautiful and miraculous and speaks to God’s sovereignty and goodness! Do I idolize my children, maybe. Do I want to give them all my energy, yes. Do I want their dr appointments and sports and school stuff and family fun to be my first priority, yes. This is a hard season to navigate and saying all this out loud sounds selfish. This is what it’s like inside my mind. One BIG area out of many other super busy ones. I read Francis Chan’s “Crazy Love” years ago and it was a game changer for us, his words are filled with wisdom and God speaks clearly through him. We’re not here to be comfortable, and when your “uncomfortable” looks like loving children who desperately need you...there should be no complaining or questioning. I prayed all summer for God to give us permission to be done with this chapter in our life’s ministry, I guess I don’t know what His permission would look like, but I do know I didn’t get it. So here I am, getting refocused, shedding my weariness and suiting up for a new season. We’ll see where our yes takes us."

I spent the next week making phone calls and getting registered for our cpr/1st aid/ AED course and foster care trainings...trying to cram it all in before January. 

On September 3rd, I asked Mr. Crook to swing by the Dollar Tree to grab a pregnancy test. He laughed, but humored me:) Here's some insight, on a very personal level...Mr. Crook and I were pregnant once, 12 years prior, and we lost that baby around 10 weeks. We were heart broken, we took a break, then we tried and tried and nothing happened. A couple years into the trying we were both tested and told there was no explanation. Our diagnosis? "Unexplained infertility", weird. But it wasn't long until God gave us the explanation in the eyes of our beautiful children, and our child bearing woes were given completely to Him. We let it go and it was so freeing. So, all that to say, Mr. and Mrs. Crook engaged in frequent and unprotected extracurriculars for like...a decade. With no cares to give about the "unexplained"...we were happy and free and floating through life (rather irresponsibly now that I think about it). So when Mrs. Crook is a hot minute late, Mr. Crook chuckles and heads to the Dollar Tree, where humoring his Mrs. doesn't burn a hole in his pocket. But this time I was a week late, which was a little different, except for the whole summer had been "off schedule" ...I chalked it up to a light spirit and happy heart and a huge decrease in anxiety since Clara's adoption, maybe that threw things off? So. On September 5th, I woke up with my Dollar Tree test on my mind. Mr Crook was in our bathroom getting ready for work, not even realizing what I was doing, so I used the kids' bathroom. They hadn't woken up yet. I took that $1.00 pt, and I blinked, and those two lines came so dark and fast I almost fell off the toilet. Actually I was frozen, shocked, tears filling up my eyes, and the Holy Spirit descended sweet and slow. God's voice was not audible, but it's like it was. I could hear him saying to me "I love you so much Samantha, here's your end game, rest in it." I heard it in my mind and heart so clearly, it was like I heard it with my ears. So I sat there and tried to let it all sink in and dry my tears before rocking Mr. Crook's world so early in the morning. I walked into our room and stood in the doorway of our bathroom. All I could muster was "babe" as tears streamed down my face. All he could muster was "what?" as his eyes got bigger than I've ever seen them. We continued with the "babe" "what" dialogue for a minute or so. Then I held up the test and he still kept saying "what?". I got closer, our teary eyes locked, and that dollar tree test was part of an embrace that made time stand still. It was the most unexpected moment of our 15 year marriage I would say. But it was so beautiful. We didn't have too much time to debrief as we had kids to get ready for school and I was aching to get to the doctor for a confirmation and some blood work. I totally trusted that dt test, I just needed to know we were okay. I called my ride or die ALWAYS there when I need her friend, and she came over to watch Clara right after she dropped her kids off at school...no questions asked (but I totally told her:), so I could get to the doctor to find out I was for real super pregnant. Those are the details of the morning of September 5th, the morning God revealed His crazy unexpected plan for permission and filled that seat in our mini van. We can only laugh at our "tapped out resources" as we buckle that 5th babe into her carseat;) God has always provided. He fed the 5000 with five loaves of bread and two fish, He can handle the Crook family with ease. I can picture Him laughing as I explained my worries last summer...oh child, if you only knew what I have planned for you, the resources you speak of will be covered by your creator, rest your busy mind my daughter:) Only He knew the delight and love, HE desired for us to experience this gift because He loves us that much. It still blows my mind. Oh...and the fact that we found out on September 5th, which was the same day we found out we were expecting in 2006. God was showing off how in control He is and making sure I understood this new life was orchestrated by HIS perfect plan. He continued to give us a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and baby, and we haven't stopped rejoicing. I've said it before and I'll say it again...giving my life to the Lord is the most exciting choice I'll ever make...He's turned my ordinary life into something extraordinary and I'll never stop talking about it. 

Right now, we're focused on enjoying our summer, being a new family of seven, and trying to get to things on time. My ministry is this family and raising my children to fall in love with Jesus and be world changers. This family here...will make an impact for God's glory, for generations. I'm sure of it. We'll see where the seasons take us...but I'm sitting tight in this chapter here, my favorite chapter, and feeling God's favor wrapped around us. Foster care, Faith, and Fertility...a seriously beautiful collision for this family. I'll never grasp God's ways or His love for me completely, but that's totally okay. I'll find my rest in Him anyway...always.

In His Amazing love,
~Samantha 

New Title...New Train of Thought

It was time for a new title. I love Sam and JT Plus Three and I'll miss it, but it just wasn't working anymore. A beautiful season it was...and onto more beautiful seasons we go! I actually changed the title over the summer, after Clara's adoption on that perfect June 20th day. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about this and a lot of self reflection took place. Let me elaborate, I Am a Worrier. The captain of the worrier mom club actually. Historically, I also struggle with saying goodbye to sweet seasons and stages of childhood for my beloveds. Like...really struggle. Everything is my favorite. Motherhood is my favorite. When Jayde (now 11) started preK (2 days a week for 4 hours), I mourned hard. I was excited for her...but fixated on the fact that my favorite chapter was ending and school would now be a part of our lives forever. The beginning of the end. I LOVED my time at home all day with three littles, Jayde was only 25 months old when she found herself the big sister to TWO little brothers! The days could be long and there were phases (when they all wore diapers) where we never left the house...but I loved it. And the reality that this season was ending broke a piece of my heart. I've had many such a season since and always find a way to invite sadness into the celebration. After family vacations or fun outings, I hear myself tell my children..."Don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened!" And it's time I take my own advice! So I've been working on this...I did not cry when our youngest started preK last September! It may have helped that I unexpectedly found out we are expecting the very next day! Literally...a hot minute after I took 1st day of school pictures and watched her pig tales bounce through her classroom door, I found out I'd be doing it all over again. So that was fun! But I digress...honestly, I'm praying my way into this new perspective. My kids bring me joy constantly, in every stage and season...so why be so sappy? There's something incredible around the corner! And I have a million pictures and videos to remind me and help me reminisce about the sweet seasons past. So, THIS is my favorite chapter. Right here, right now. We just wrapped up a favorite and I'm sure we're heading into another soon. I get to experience a life filled with family and love and all the joys and pains that loving your family brings. And that is a gift! A beautiful gift. In four short months, I'll get to watch our four big kids live life with their new baby sister and I'm certain that will be my favorite as well:)

I'm also really trying to cut down on my worrying. I worry about a lot of things a lot of the time, but I'm going to focus on the futuristic worries category. I do that. I worry about things literal years before they come to pass. Right now, for example, our kids are 4, 8, 9, and 11...and the top of my worry list contains items like: dating, driving, phone ownership, all things technology, who will the new baby room with in May 2020 after her first year (which will be spent in our room), will she have her own room, will the older girls share a room? And most recently...I think because I've been enjoying this Christmas break so very much...what will life be like for our youngest when she's in 8th grade and ALL OF HER SIBLINGS ARE GROWN AND OUT OF SCHOOL?! I love our house full! I love the busyness and volume and every crazy dynamic our big family brings. It's never boring, everyone has someone to play with and this baby is going to BE AN ONLY CHILD for like 5 years! Deep breaths. I'm still processing how to not worry about this. Actually, I came up with a solution! But when I told my husband I think we should have another child before this baby turns two, to avoid this devastating hypothetical problem in my brain, the look on his face was sheer panic mixed with fear mixed with those "my wife's insane" eyes that he gets sometimes. Baby #5 was a surprise by the way:) And he's embraced it beautifully! Mad props to the man who said he only wanted two children when he was a newly married 21 year old...and now has five. And who also happens to be dad of the year to each of them in every possible way. But I digress again...it's bad, this worrying problem. I have to get it under control. So living fully in every season, celebrating them as they end and anticipating the next with joy, remembering not to worry about tomorrow for it will bring it's own worries and today's trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6:34)...these are my goals. And I really REALLY want to reach them. Part of me believes that it's all just part of motherhood...the worrying and sentimental sappiness. But I also believe it doesn't have to be, and I want to do better. Because life is GOOD and I need to soak it up, all of it!

So there you have it, My Favorite Chapter. I'm living it now:) Seriously. And I'll write again soon! I really need to share more about this pregnancy! My mind is permanently blown and it's fun...so I'd like to invite your mind to be blown along with mine:) Thanks for reading! 

Worry free and fabulous 
(someday soon),

Samantha  

Falling madly in love...4 years later

Well here we are...June 6th 2018. Four years ago I rocked my daughter to sleep for the first time. But I didn't know she was my daughter. And then a year passed and this day was hard and confusing and sad for me. And then another year passed and it was even more hard and sad and confusing. And then two months after that, we said goodbye to her in a McDonalds parking lot. It wasn't a good goodbye, it was full of fear. Not unwarranted fear from a heartbroken foster mama, real fear founded in the recklessness and carelessness with a life that I loved more than my own. I had no control. But God. Three days later that fear was justified when a judge ordered that she be returned to us immediately. And then June 6th, 2017 came and went and it was hard and confusing but not so sad...hope had creeped in. And now today...Today! I didn't even realize it was the 6th until I was at the dentist office and had to sign something! Because today we are two weeks away from her adoption. The 6th of June will never ever ever be a hard day again, we'll be celebrating the day our daughter came home. I've had a skip in my step for some time, waiting with hope and peace and anticipation. But in two weeks I'll breath differently, the tightness in my chest will disappear completely. I'll have a very important piece of paper stating what SHE'S always known...that we belong to her:)  

                                    

I don't know why God chose us for this. Ten years ago, we started a mission. We were called to love children and their parents, to minister to moms and dads and help heal families. To keep children safe in the waiting and love them but love their parents harder. Because these babies would go back home and that's something to celebrate when we know and trust the life they're going back to. At least that's what we thought God was calling us to, He told us in so many different ways that this is what He wanted. I misunderstood, I think. And I love THIS plan. But fighting for the healing of a family for years who doesn't join you in the fight is HARD. And I am so very naive, I probably always will be. I think understanding this world would only plague me with despair. And I think God created me this way for pretty clear purposes, His purposes. I don't pretend to know why He trusts us this much, why He chose us for these beautiful lives, but I'm thankful. More thankful than I'll ever be able to articulate. His plans are higher and better and here we are...He gets ALL the glory for this family He created. Designed and defined 100% by a Creator who knows what all six of us needed...each other. 

THANK YOU for praying. I've asked so many times over the last four years...and so many of you have prayed faithfully in every single season of this journey. There have been countless messages and texts and hugs and talks over the last four years and I always knew we were covered. When I was too weak to pray myself, there were so many standing in the gap and my brokenness was bearable because of you...her army of prayer warriors. I'm so ready for this adoption day I can't stand it, my joy is on level 100 and my children might be over my constant singing and talking in foreign accents (sometimes joy comes out like that). (For me;). I just rocked my four year old to sleep. Well, not actually but she let me rock her for a super long time and pretended to be asleep so I'm counting it. I told her that my heart was exploding with love for her and asked if she could hear it singing...she said yes. I asked her what it sounded like and she belted some Rick Astley "I will never give you up" at the top of her delightfully off key lungs. It was perfect. This day couldn't have ended on a sweeter note. Do you know I found out that I have my first real cavity today?! I'm going to have to get a shot in my gums and I think there's drilling involved and I have no cares to give because this sunshine I'm walking on has no room for dental woes! I'm just in awe that I find myself here...again. What an incredible, breathtaking privilege. So here I am, falling madly in love...4 years later.

 Only 2 weeks until forever:) #allthedays

In His love,
Samantha

Falling madly in love...3 years later

3 years. I'm really writing this. While it's not hard to find myself frustrated that we're still counting the days our baby girl is part of a very broken foster care system, I have to rejoice and dance and Praise the Lord about the fact that we are HERE this summer. A full family of 6...living a totally different life than we were last summer. Do you remember last summer? I don't want to relive it...or make you relive it with me, but it was impossible and agonizing and devastating. A summer spent pleading with God for a rescue, a summer that ended with a goodbye that completely broke what was left of me. But that goodbye only lasted for 3 dark days. I know you remember. And then she came safely back into my arms. Redemption! The rescue did come and God's shown me time and time again that His mighty hands are all over her life. When will I learn? When will I find the rest that comes from the faith and knowledge God has worked so hard to instill in me? Back in April, the judge changed her reunification plan to adoption. It was a day where victory and tragedy danced together. It was a day that should have helped to heal the short, stifled breaths I've been taking for years now. And I think it did...for a week or so. But things have been moving slow, our caseworker left her job, and approximately zero progress has been made apart from the huge progress of the plan change. And after months of never leaving her side, I've been missing her for 2 hours every week...and I think that alone has stirred up doubt and fear and anxiety I thought I had put behind me. I understand that a plan change to adoption could motivate a person to do better and be better and try. But 3 years. I can't elaborate on details...but please know we still need prayer. And our baby girl needs protection over her heart and mind. Dealing with the ramifications of putting her in circumstances I have no control over...is hard. 

1096 days ago, we said hello to a beautiful brown eyed six week old baby girl. We've now celebrated 3 birthdays with her, 3 Christmases, taken 3 crazy crook family vacations. We're entering into our 4th summer together. That's a lot of life. All but the 1st six weeks of her life...to be exact. And for the longest time, that's what my heart has fixated on. She has no idea that she's a "foster child". And shouldn't it be that way? Or should we have raised her from infancy explaining that we're not her family? Should we have corrected her 1st words..."mama and dada"? Should we have made sure she understood that what she knows to be true, really isn't? These questions are absurd. And to me...they explain why no child...I don't care how old...should linger in foster care for 3 years. I long for the confidence that her adoption into our forever family is in the near and definite future. I trust you Jesus. I say that to myself over and over and over because it's true and He can be trusted and LOOK WHAT HE'S BROUGHT HER THROUGH. Some of these last 365 days have been the hardest of my life. And He lifted me up out of that valley with His mighty arms and tucked His sweet baby girl back safely into my arms. I've gotta get this "rest" thing figured out. I want this to be a summer of rejoicing and rest, but I feel like maybe the rest part will come next summer...because I'm human. Or maybe rest never comes...because I'm a mom. What I do know, is that I'm the mom of 4 beautiful and amazing children. They're a responsibility and gift I'll never take for granted. God has trusted me...little, unqualified, flaw filled me...with precious lives I played no part in creating. But He created them and in His complete sovereignty knew I'd belong to them. That's huge and heavy and miraculous to me. He can be trusted. In my soul, I own this truth. I think it's my head that needs the work. But He loves me through it. I can just picture Him patting me on my weary head..."Oh dear one, when will you learn? I love your baby girl infinitely more than you do. I loved her when I had her on my mind...creating her, fashioning her in all her sweetness and spice and naughtiness. Turn off your fear and find rest in me. Trust me." I think that's what I would hear Him say...honestly:) 

So here we are...3 years...1096 days, after 1st laying eyes on our sweet baby girl. We opened our hearts and home thinking her stay with us would lead to healing for her biological family. And for over a year we fought for them. Our hearts have shifted what feels like a million times in this 3 year journey...in an effort to emotionally survive it. This calling will never not be hard. I read something on Jason Johnson's blog today...he said "we love out of our poverty, not our abundance". He equates the poor widow, who gave all she had, 2 small copper coins into the offering box (Luke 21)...with the sacrifice of the foster family. There's so much truth there. We aren't wealthy, we have no super strength hero powers. We just have ourselves...our hearts...and our yes. We give it all. And His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Please continue to pray with us, for hearts to change...one heart in particular, for judges and caseworkers, and for her adoption into our family to be complete in 2017. It seems out of reach, but I've felt that way before only to be lifted up and put on my Father's shoulders. It could happen:) Thank you for joining us on this journey through your prayers and encouragement and hugs and tears. There aren't enough thank you's that could be offered for the army of prayer warriors that have fought and fought for her. I hope you all can see what I've seen...the incredible power of prayer and the faithfulness of our loving God...in a real, tangible, fall on our knees with thanksgiving kind of way.

http://jasonjohnsonblog.com/blog/loving-out-of-poverty

He has this. I trust Him. I'm so thankful. That's where my rest is, if I could just park my spirit there and run out of gas so pulling back out isn't an option. That would be perfect. But he loves me despite my shortcomings...maybe even more for them, I think:) The Gospel really does come alive in this ministry. Thank you for reading the 4th installment of my "Falling madly in love..." series. Perhaps this will be the last? With all my heart, thank you for praying. I thank God for you.

In His amazing love,
~Samantha

Day 873

So it's that time of year when a huge manilla envelope comes in the mail and I spend hours filling out paperwork...documenting all the foster parent training we've done, paperwork for our doctor to fill out on my husband and I, medical exams for our children, paperwork on how to schedule ourselves to go get fingerprinted, criminal history check forms, background check forms for our children (yes, you read that right), forms for a water safety plan, child care plans, compatibility inventories, questionnaires, resource parent role acknowledgement, adult and pediatric CPR, 1st Aid, and blood born pathogens training (on top of the 15 required hours), copies of current pet vaccinations, water bill, drivers licenses, auto insurance and registration, and...I'm sure I left something out.  It's exhausting.  And today I decided to start on this pile right after a meeting that left me feeling kinda hopeless.  So my joy tank was struggling.  Let me back up...
I know the last time I wrote, we were in the process of moving our baby girl in with her biological father, after 2+ years with our family.  It was impossible.  We spent the entire summer trying to process and prepare for the impossible.  And on August 6th, it came.  Then after a hearing on August 9th, the judge ordered that our baby girl be moved back in with us immediately.  It was unexpected. It was nothing short of miraculous.  I can't share all the details surrounding her case and her situation and her story.  But a rescue took place.  And she came home.  She was only gone for 72 hours...but those 72 hours were so dark and desperate.  And so...after a heartbreaking summer of transitioning her and 3 days as a family of 5 in a state despair I'll never be able to describe...we've had her back for 2 1/2 months.  I've relished in every second.  I've sang and skipped and danced my days away.  We got to take her with us to Disney World and It. Was. Everything.
Now our next hearing is 3 weeks away...and I can feel the anxiety creeping in, my chest is tight, and my hope is hard to hold on to.  She can't go through that again.  I can't.  We can't.  Hearings represent so much unknown and serve as a reminder of what this life is really like.  You can pretend all you want...singing and skipping along...but reality hits hard and it knocks me off my mountain face first. No one knows what will happen.  I wish I had even an inkling of an idea...something to hold on to. But I got nothing.  We have a good case worker...but she's never seen anything like this.  So she's got nothing to give me.
So starting on this pile of paperwork while working through my worst fears, maybe wasn't the best idea.  But I started thinking.  What we're going through right now...this isn't the first time.  And we didn't sign up for this ministry to self destruct (just my current emotional state).  We made it out of the first valley and gave God the glory and understood 100% why we were sent down that road.  The blessing blew our minds and filled our hearts and changed everything.  We came out of that valley with the sun on our faces and the healing was quick and easy.  The agonizing journey was all but forgotten.  We're still in this valley...and I know that either way, God has a plan He's working and He's so good.  I can trust Him. But I can't fathom...can not fathom...going through this again...reliving this chapter in another season. This kind of heartache sucks the life out of you...ages you...scars you. So do I want to fill out all this paperwork? Do I want to find myself in this space again?  Does foster care ever look like inviting a child into your home for 6 months or less while you lovingly pour into their parents so that you can send that child you undoubtedly fall in love with back into a home where they'll be safe and loved and you can forever keep in touch?  Because after 8 years in the ministry...I'm beginning to think it doesn't.  And please don't misunderstand...whether or not our baby girl of 873 days ends up with our last name...she is worth every bit of my so called self destruction. Her place in our family for whatever amount of time isn't something I would ever change...even if our suffering goes back to that place we were in August.  Because I've been her mom for these 873 days...wholly, her MOM.  Take off the foster.  And my suffering serves a purpose in her life greater than I'll know this side of heaven.  And she's worth it.  Just like any child is worth the best love their parents can give them.  I'm just looking forward and...you know...being human.  Do we WANT to willingly lay ourselves on the alter and go through this again?  As I labor through the most unfun paperwork in the universe...these are my thoughts.  But I know we're called in this...I know I feel greater purpose living my life on mission in this way.  I know it's right.  I'm just feeling beaten down, kind of crawling my way to this next hearing, and questioning it all.  How does any God fearing, child loving, heart giving foster parent do this over and over?  I just don't know. Today.  Maybe I'll know tomorrow...or after the hearing.  This is probably so all over the place and confusing.  I'm trying real hard to be okay.  If I could just talk myself into being thankful for these last 11 weeks and nothing else...climb back up my mountain and fill up on those feelings of redemption and rescue I had on August 9th.  I'm so full of fear...that's all it is...everything it is.  I don't want to go back. There's nothing warm and happy and safe in the alternate ending...nothing my finite mind can see. And I need your prayers, friends.   The hearing is on November 15th, 3 weeks away.  I'm thankful for you and your strength and faithfulness through prayer.  God supplies the peace I need through your petition, I know this.  When I'm not strong enough...I know so many others are.  So many.  Also...I didn't mean "self destruct"...that sounds so selfish and...yuck.  But I'm not going to edit, because...sometimes realness is a little "yuck".  Just know I didn't mean it.  Kind of:)
In His love,
~Samantha

Psalm 50:15- call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.
(God whispered to me through my 1st grader's memory verse:)

     

To the woman considering abortion,

 I won't pretend I've been in your shoes...but I want to tell you my story. And I'm hoping you can somehow relate. It happened 10 years ago, when I lost my baby....I went in for a prenatal appointment at 11 weeks and they couldn't find her heart beat (I've always felt in my heart we had a girl). So they did an ultra sound and she looked perfect, but only measured 8 1/2 weeks. She had passed away without my body realizing it. I delivered her unexpectedly at home while I was still praying for a miracle. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I know this isn't the same as what you're going through. I cried out to God for a rescue, a miracle, but I had no power to choose. I know there are so many reasons to consider aborting your baby, you might think you're too young, maybe you're still in school. Maybe you think you're too old. Maybe you had a one night hook up, maybe you conceived with your husband but just don't feel ready.  Maybe you're living in a state of crisis and feel you have no other option. So many reasons. I was only 24...but wanted to be a mom with all my heart. And after a long period of grieving, we tried again, and kept trying, but it wasn't working. We went through testing and the doctors said we were both healthy and there was no reason they could find, diagnosis...unexplained infertility. It was frustrating, unfair, confusing. But now I know why...and I have 3 beautiful explanations. I became a mom at 27, after a young woman looked through a binder of couples and picked us. And I fell in love with her. Because when someone gives you the greatest gift, when they choose life and choose you and carry the baby you've been aching for, for years, and then deliver that baby into your arms...you fall in love. I won't go into all the reasons why she chose adoption, but some would say our son was "unwanted"...except he wasn't. He was so wanted, and pleaded for, and prayed for. Our two older children came home to us through the foster care system. They were once abused and neglected...born and uncared for. I've heard the argument that abortion is better than being born unwanted. That there are too many abused and neglected kids in the system and we can control those numbers because abortion is an option. But if you met my beautiful children, I can guarantee you would agree that no matter the circumstances they were born into, they deserve life. They're worthy. And here's the thing...there are SO many women like me, couples, families, just waiting for someone to pick them. Waiting to turn an inconvenient situation, a crisis, into their greatest blessing. Maybe you think you want to abort your baby early on...before people even notice. Maybe you're embarrassed or afraid you'll disappoint someone. Maybe you don't even want children. This list could go on forever.  I don't know where you find yourself, what you're going through, or how badly you're hurting.  But maybe you can look deep down in your heart, realize your carrying a life, a gift...whether to you or someone else, and make a choice beyond yourself. Make a choice you will never ever ever be ashamed of. You created a life...a miracle that so many women never get the chance to experience. You have a living baby growing inside of you. And however unplanned that baby may be, they're powerless and pure and worthy. And someone is praying right now...I can promise you. A woman, a couple, a family, is pleading with God to give them the gift you might not be ready for. And the journey may be so hard...but you won't regret it and you'll be stronger because of it. You may even change your mind and decide you are ready. Give yourself that chance. You deserve it...you are worthy. You are here for a reason, you're pregnant for a reason. God put a life inside you, just like He knit you in your mother's womb. You have a purpose so much greater than anything you're thinking about right now. I wish I could know you...hug you, pray with you, listen to your story, look you in the eye and tell you...you'll get through this. Please choose life, not just for your baby...but for yourself. Consider my story...and the stories of so many like me. Consider your own story...how do you want this chapter to end? Or begin? Once the baby is born, you'll see that face and hear that cry...and never ever ever regret letting your baby live. I promise. And I love you.

Always praying,
Samantha

Day 783

Today I woke up, put on a little make up, fed my kiddos breakfast, and got my baby girl ready for speech therapy.  I was feeling fragile and knew that my barely there composure was going to be hard to hold on to.  Then I talked to her therapist about her schedule and upcoming changes and her hand went to her heart and she opened her mouth to say...I just don't know how...and I don't even know what she said after that.  The flood gates opened and she and I got a lot closer today.  But that was the beginning of the end.  I spent the whole day trying to hide my tears from my kids.  Any still second I had, my mind was there...imagining what that day will be like.  The baby, my big kids, me, JT.  Do we take her to meet her dad with all of her things?  Do we say goodbye at home and let her visit supervisor take her?  Should I pack all of her things?  What if she comes back?  This can't really be happening.  I think maybe my God who doesn't make mistakes may have actually made one when He picked me to do this.  Because I can't.  I can't.  I. Can't.  How can anyone?!  I can't "can't" because of my own selfishness...although I can feel my heart being scarred, and it's slow and the most excruciating pain I believe I've ever experienced.  I can't because I feel like she can't.  She's not going to know that she's not coming home.  She's going to leave our house, her house.  Or maybe we'll take her and she'll go from my arms to his.  And she's going to think she's coming back.  Just like she always does.  She has no clue her whole world is changing. And by changing I mean CHANGING. Nothing...NOTHING in her new life is going to resemble her life with us.  The life she's lived for 26 of her 27 months.  Her family is just going to disappear and she won't know why or understand anything.  She's going to feel so abandoned.  I'm pleading with God to send angels to follow her everywhere.  I feel like I'm drowning and my eyes are so swollen you might not recognize me.  I don't really want to talk to anyone about it and I need people to joke with me and talk about other things and ask zero questions.  I need to figure out how to get myself back into a state of denial, because I've spent a good part of the summer telling myself this isn't happening, and I've survived that way.  We have 1 more week as a family of 6.  I'm going to ask her dad if she can stay until next Saturday evening, instead of leaving on Friday.  JT and the kids have school on Friday and we need that extra day with her.  I think he'll say yes.  We really need prayer...for our baby girl more than anything.  But also for our kids and wisdom on how to comfort them and help them heal, and for me...to get my head above this water constantly crashing down. There is no joy here.  I sobbed as I rocked her today, she saw me and looked so confused.  She just stared at my crying face and pointed at my tears as they poured out.  Then she fell asleep in JT's hat...like she's done the last three nights.  I really don't know how to do this.  I am not not NOT strong...I'm the very definition of weakness...and I know His power is made perfect in my weakness so I really need Him to rescue all of us.  Whatever that looks like.  I asked Him a long time ago to break my heart for what breaks His, I know He heard me and I did mean it but my God, this is impossible.  And this isn't what I meant by that.  If I could go back to June 6th, 2014, and ignore that phone call from DCS, and spare me and my family from this...I wouldn't.  I have to keep reminding myself that.  I'd do this all over again.  We are exactly what she needed for the last 783 days.  783 days.  I'm sorry for making you sad with me, no one wants to think about all this.  There's enough heartache in the world without having to think about what we're going through over here at the Crook house.  But thank you for your prayers.  I know we're loved and our community and families are so strong...a huge blessing.  I wish I could wrap this up with something spiritual and encouraging and optimistic...but I'm drawing a blank.  So, I'll just say thanks, again:)

In His Love,
Samantha